Well, tonight I'm flying back to the US. A weekend in New York, then driving to Chicago, then flying back to LA. I'm excited about eating tacos out of trucks, about apologizing if someone knocks me over, and about seeing my puppy (though that won't happen until Tuesday...).
Today I bought a newspaper. I walked by a group of 40-something year old men sitting outside of a shop chatting. One called out to me, "Hey, can I have the sports section?"
I figured I wasn't going to read it, so why not. I walked over to him, and he seemed a bit surprised when I started trying to pull the sports section out. Finally I managed to get it out, and he thanked me. He then asked if I liked music. I said, yeah, of course. He then pointed to a nearby CD shop and said that he owned said store, and then from now on I'm welcome to come in whenever I want and get a bit of a discount on a permanent basis, since I was such a nice person (at least according to this guy's standards!). We exchanged names, shook hands, and I was on my way.
I walked away smiling, and then I realized....FUUUUUUUUCK....I'm leaving.
It kinda made me think of a fable we read in elementary school, about a beggar man standing in the cold who is given a warm coat from a passerby...and it turns out the beggar man was actually Jesus, so the passerby gets to go to heaven or something. I don't really remember the finer points of the story.
Okay, so maybe I didn't get promised a place in Heaven, but a permanent discount on CD's isn't so bad!
Later I ended up drinking so much water that I knew I wasn't going to make it home. I decided to stop into a restroom in a hotel near my house, but the security guard stopped me. She asked if I was a guest, and I said no. She then asked why I was going in...
I didn't really want to admit I had to pee. First off because no self-respecting hotel would just let random people in off the streets to pee in their lobby, and second because it's just embarrassing to announce to strangers that you have to pee--really really really badly.
So I whipped out a trick from my mom's playbook. "Well, I'm a travel agent back in the states, and I'd really like to just take a look around the lobby." It's actually true when my mom says it, but I figured that since I grew up in the industry I could pull it off convincingly.
The guard looked surprised for a second, then offered to have the manager show me around. I thanked her but told her I didn't have much time (aka I was seriously about to pee my pants), so a quick look around the lobby would be just fine.
SUCCESS!!!!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Bewitched
So lately I've been watching a lot of Bewitched to learn more about the person I'm named after. Yes, it's THAT Samantha. It's been interesting trying to figure out why, of all people, I was named after a TV witch. Apparently it was my mom's favorite show growing up, so I'm also trying to figure out what she liked about the show. I mean, I'm liking the show too, but I don't know if it's for the same reasons..... All in all, it's been an interesting experience.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wait, I didn't do anything this time!
I'm having another one of those moments where I'm just feeling completely indignant. So I have to see an Israeli lawyer about something (can't get into details here), so i called him for the first time last Sunday or something. He said he'd be out of town until Wednesday, so he'd call me on Thursday. So I patiently waited until Thursday....no call.....waiting through the weekend......on Sunday, still no call. So today, Monday, I decided I'd call him. So his secretary or whatever picks up, then there's a few seconds of silence, and then I hear the lawyer's voice as clear as day saying in Hebrew,
"[*grunt*] Again??? ALWAYS when I'm in the middle of something!!! Fiiiiiiine, pass her over to me."
And then he says in a very polite voice, as if I was only now connected to his phone line, "Hello, Samantha, how can I help you?"
Which left me feeling like, what the hell did I do? I've called this guy only once before, and I've given him over a week to call me when he isn't "in the middle of something."
Like, I KNOW when I'm being pestering and annoying and whatever. A few months ago the army enlistment center could have sworn loudly whenever I called. THAT would have been fair and called for. Some guy I called only once before a week ago, and who didn't return my call......not the same.
"[*grunt*] Again??? ALWAYS when I'm in the middle of something!!! Fiiiiiiine, pass her over to me."
And then he says in a very polite voice, as if I was only now connected to his phone line, "Hello, Samantha, how can I help you?"
Which left me feeling like, what the hell did I do? I've called this guy only once before, and I've given him over a week to call me when he isn't "in the middle of something."
Like, I KNOW when I'm being pestering and annoying and whatever. A few months ago the army enlistment center could have sworn loudly whenever I called. THAT would have been fair and called for. Some guy I called only once before a week ago, and who didn't return my call......not the same.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Just a glimpse of why i hate new york and new yorkers.
My Roommate (from a very small town in rural america) : Oh, I'll definitely have to see her when I'm back in town.
Guest from New York: Oh "in town," what a cute expression. It's so quaint!
My Roommate: What do you mean? Don't you say it?
Guest from New York: No no no, I'm from such a large city that we don't say it....New York is so big, it's not as if I can just bump into people when I'm "in town," hahaha, as you say.
Me: I say "in town" as well. It's not quaint or rural, everyone I know back home uses the expression, too.
Guest from New York: Fine, maybe your town uses it, but you're not from a city like New York!
Me: Um....you know I'm from LA, right?
Guest from New York: Yes.
Me: Um.... I don't know what kinda stuff you guys learn in east coast schools, but it's not like LA is some podunk town just off the freeway.
G-d, I just fucking hate New Yorkers. They talk like they come from the very seat of culture and civilization, like the rest of us are all simply blessed to be in the presence of someone from such a wonderful place. Well look, New Yorkers: I hate your city. I think it stinks--like, it literally smells bad. I think there are too many fucking people. And I really don't give a shit about it. So you can have your city, and I'll take LA and the rest of the US and our "quaint" and "rural" expressions like "in town." What a pretentious butthole, seriously...
Guest from New York: Oh "in town," what a cute expression. It's so quaint!
My Roommate: What do you mean? Don't you say it?
Guest from New York: No no no, I'm from such a large city that we don't say it....New York is so big, it's not as if I can just bump into people when I'm "in town," hahaha, as you say.
Me: I say "in town" as well. It's not quaint or rural, everyone I know back home uses the expression, too.
Guest from New York: Fine, maybe your town uses it, but you're not from a city like New York!
Me: Um....you know I'm from LA, right?
Guest from New York: Yes.
Me: Um.... I don't know what kinda stuff you guys learn in east coast schools, but it's not like LA is some podunk town just off the freeway.
G-d, I just fucking hate New Yorkers. They talk like they come from the very seat of culture and civilization, like the rest of us are all simply blessed to be in the presence of someone from such a wonderful place. Well look, New Yorkers: I hate your city. I think it stinks--like, it literally smells bad. I think there are too many fucking people. And I really don't give a shit about it. So you can have your city, and I'll take LA and the rest of the US and our "quaint" and "rural" expressions like "in town." What a pretentious butthole, seriously...
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
A Day in the Life
I've probably told this story a million times on this blog, but unfortunately for you readers....it never gets old for me, and I feel like the story is kind of like the Passover story. You know, a story that needs annual re-telling:
My brother (the Haredi one) used to sleep with headphones on. He was a musician, so he liked to cram as much music into his life as possible, even if he wasn't awake. One night he fell asleep listening to the Beatles. A couple tracks later he woke up to the scary noise in the song "A Day in the Life." You know, it's a terrifying sound to hear when you're awake. It sounds basically like how I imagine the apocalypse will sound. So anyway, my brother woke up when this horrifying noise started building and, being half-asleep, didn't realize that he was still wearing headphones. So it's pitch black, he hears this building, screeching noise that he doesn't know how to stop, and he is scared shitless and starts yelling. I just liked that after the fact he described the sensation to me as the feeling of being abducted by aliens.
Anyway, I was just listening to that song and of course I thought of this story..... For the record, since this happened (however many years ago this was) I have not been able to listen to the song without getting the giggles.
My brother (the Haredi one) used to sleep with headphones on. He was a musician, so he liked to cram as much music into his life as possible, even if he wasn't awake. One night he fell asleep listening to the Beatles. A couple tracks later he woke up to the scary noise in the song "A Day in the Life." You know, it's a terrifying sound to hear when you're awake. It sounds basically like how I imagine the apocalypse will sound. So anyway, my brother woke up when this horrifying noise started building and, being half-asleep, didn't realize that he was still wearing headphones. So it's pitch black, he hears this building, screeching noise that he doesn't know how to stop, and he is scared shitless and starts yelling. I just liked that after the fact he described the sensation to me as the feeling of being abducted by aliens.
Anyway, I was just listening to that song and of course I thought of this story..... For the record, since this happened (however many years ago this was) I have not been able to listen to the song without getting the giggles.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Smells.
Today my roommate and I were discussing the American sense of smell. You know, how Americans are always the ones who think foreign people are smelly. Americans are the ones on the Metro in Paris loudly making comments about how much French people smell, the ones wandering around the streets of Prague or St Petersburg with their noses scrunched up, saying in pathetic attempts at a whisper, “Oh dear….”
Well, Israel is no different. There have been a few times—okay, MANY times—in Israel when I’ve been on the bus or in a crowd, and someone smells like what can only be described as a walking fart. In fairness, there’s a severe water shortage in this country (and visiting/immigrant Americans alone have probably contributed more than their fair share to that with our obsession with showering…), and deodorant is relatively expensive. Just to give you an idea, deodorant costs about 35 shekels. To put that in perspective, that’s 10% of your monthly salary if you are a soldier (not a lone soldier). When you put it like that, buying deodorant doesn’t really seem worthwhile.
Anyway, my roommate and I were quietly wondering to ourselves if, coming from a country that seems to be obsessed with not smelling bad, maybe we were the only ones who noticed the sharp, sour scent that was coming from one of our neighbors on the bus. And that got me thinking….
How bad must people have smelled back in like Elizabethan England, when you maybe took a couple baths a year…if that. And then I started imagining Americans being transported back in time to various points in history. I can just imagine a fat guy in a football jersey and baseball cap, wandering around the Tower of London in 1599, tucking his nose and mouth under his shirt and gagging. Then I imagine a top Chicago lawyer in a business suit and a Bluetooth headset wandering around the filthy streets of medieval Paris, wrinkling his nose and saying, “[*sound of suppressed vomiting*] I’m going to have to call you back…ugh, it feels like someone shit in my nose….” And throughout every period in history I imagine girls from my high school running around, squawking, “OMG eeeew eeew eeew!!!!!!!”
Anyway, my bizarre train of thought was interrupted when a group of arsim-in-training got on the bus, and with them came a foul odor. It is the sort of odor one would expect if a bunch of people were walking around covered in fresh diarrhea. That is really, no exaggeration, what these guys smelled like.
And I just lost it. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to pee myself. I was laughing so hard that I actually started crying. People turned and looked at me, and I couldn’t stop. After about five minutes I got a grip on myself, but then I smelled it again….and lost it for another ten.
On a completely unrelated note…..the other day I saw an orthodox guy throw trash on the ground. I said to him in Hebrew, “Hey, are you just going to leave that there?!” And he turned around, looked at me, and told me to shut up. And then he just kept walking on.
I wish I could have thought fast enough, that I could have responded with something about how he’s a hypocrite for being orthodox and calling this the holy land, and then turning right around and throwing his shit on the ground of G-d’s own country. Instead though, I was just so shocked at being told to shut up that I just did exactly as he told me to do…
Sometimes though…I feel like Jews are the biggest hypocrites in the world.
Well, Israel is no different. There have been a few times—okay, MANY times—in Israel when I’ve been on the bus or in a crowd, and someone smells like what can only be described as a walking fart. In fairness, there’s a severe water shortage in this country (and visiting/immigrant Americans alone have probably contributed more than their fair share to that with our obsession with showering…), and deodorant is relatively expensive. Just to give you an idea, deodorant costs about 35 shekels. To put that in perspective, that’s 10% of your monthly salary if you are a soldier (not a lone soldier). When you put it like that, buying deodorant doesn’t really seem worthwhile.
Anyway, my roommate and I were quietly wondering to ourselves if, coming from a country that seems to be obsessed with not smelling bad, maybe we were the only ones who noticed the sharp, sour scent that was coming from one of our neighbors on the bus. And that got me thinking….
How bad must people have smelled back in like Elizabethan England, when you maybe took a couple baths a year…if that. And then I started imagining Americans being transported back in time to various points in history. I can just imagine a fat guy in a football jersey and baseball cap, wandering around the Tower of London in 1599, tucking his nose and mouth under his shirt and gagging. Then I imagine a top Chicago lawyer in a business suit and a Bluetooth headset wandering around the filthy streets of medieval Paris, wrinkling his nose and saying, “[*sound of suppressed vomiting*] I’m going to have to call you back…ugh, it feels like someone shit in my nose….” And throughout every period in history I imagine girls from my high school running around, squawking, “OMG eeeew eeew eeew!!!!!!!”
Anyway, my bizarre train of thought was interrupted when a group of arsim-in-training got on the bus, and with them came a foul odor. It is the sort of odor one would expect if a bunch of people were walking around covered in fresh diarrhea. That is really, no exaggeration, what these guys smelled like.
And I just lost it. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to pee myself. I was laughing so hard that I actually started crying. People turned and looked at me, and I couldn’t stop. After about five minutes I got a grip on myself, but then I smelled it again….and lost it for another ten.
On a completely unrelated note…..the other day I saw an orthodox guy throw trash on the ground. I said to him in Hebrew, “Hey, are you just going to leave that there?!” And he turned around, looked at me, and told me to shut up. And then he just kept walking on.
I wish I could have thought fast enough, that I could have responded with something about how he’s a hypocrite for being orthodox and calling this the holy land, and then turning right around and throwing his shit on the ground of G-d’s own country. Instead though, I was just so shocked at being told to shut up that I just did exactly as he told me to do…
Sometimes though…I feel like Jews are the biggest hypocrites in the world.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Why, Lord?
I just heard a recording of Laura Ingalls Wilder's voice. It's a short recording, just a clip of her saying "Almanzo," which the editor decided to put on a loop. But it's going to give me nightmares.
You have to understand, this moment--two seconds ago--was the first time I'd ever heard my childhood idol (aw hell, she's STILL my idol!) speak. Based on the fact that she apparently had a nice singing voice and based on her personality, I'd always imagined that she would have a sort of quiet voice, you know, sturdy and frontierish, but with a sweet quality to it....if that makes any sense. Instead it was harsh, loud and nasally. "AlmAAAAAnzo." Not "Almawnzo," as I always imagined it was pronounced, but "AlmAAAnzo," like she was a particularly annoying Midwesterner.
Horrified, I couldn't move even to turn the recording off repeat. So I just sat there with my mouth open and drooling, staring at my computer, while a recording of Laura Ingalls Wilder's voice from decades ago just kept breaking my heart over and over again with, "AlmAAAnzo!" "AlmAAAnzo!" "AlmAAAnzo!"
It feels silly to get upset over something so stupid....but I know I'm going to have nightmares tonight.
Granted, it was only one word, a name, and taken completely out of context, and granted she was probably a little old lady when it was recorded. And for some reason little old ladies tend to get nasally. But still.
You have to understand, this moment--two seconds ago--was the first time I'd ever heard my childhood idol (aw hell, she's STILL my idol!) speak. Based on the fact that she apparently had a nice singing voice and based on her personality, I'd always imagined that she would have a sort of quiet voice, you know, sturdy and frontierish, but with a sweet quality to it....if that makes any sense. Instead it was harsh, loud and nasally. "AlmAAAAAnzo." Not "Almawnzo," as I always imagined it was pronounced, but "AlmAAAnzo," like she was a particularly annoying Midwesterner.
Horrified, I couldn't move even to turn the recording off repeat. So I just sat there with my mouth open and drooling, staring at my computer, while a recording of Laura Ingalls Wilder's voice from decades ago just kept breaking my heart over and over again with, "AlmAAAnzo!" "AlmAAAnzo!" "AlmAAAnzo!"
It feels silly to get upset over something so stupid....but I know I'm going to have nightmares tonight.
Granted, it was only one word, a name, and taken completely out of context, and granted she was probably a little old lady when it was recorded. And for some reason little old ladies tend to get nasally. But still.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Fashion Police
Okay, I keep trying to do a legit post, but....a shorter one will have to suffice:
Today at Malcha I saw tznius fashion taken to a place that dare not speak its name. I'm talking, of course, about a tight jean miniskirt layered over a long black skirt. Seriously, words cannot describe how strange this was. I had to sit and collect myself at Burger King after seeing this.
Also, in the bathrooms the woman next to me was peeing (well, this was a bathroom after all!)....and as she peed she was on the phone conducting business transactions in Hebrew. I actually had to stop peeing because I was so impressed. Like, THAT is dedication. And disgusting. Do you think the person on the other end of the line knew the woman was peeing? Maybe he couldn't hear her peeing, but surely he had to be able to hear the roar of 5 different toilets flushing at once and recognized the sound. Also...and maybe this is just me....when I'm peeing I find it difficult to have a meaningful conversation. Like, I have to either stop talking and finish peeing, or I have to stop peeing and finish what I was saying. This is why I hate going into bathrooms with other people. But this woman could multitask. Props!
Today at Malcha I saw tznius fashion taken to a place that dare not speak its name. I'm talking, of course, about a tight jean miniskirt layered over a long black skirt. Seriously, words cannot describe how strange this was. I had to sit and collect myself at Burger King after seeing this.
Also, in the bathrooms the woman next to me was peeing (well, this was a bathroom after all!)....and as she peed she was on the phone conducting business transactions in Hebrew. I actually had to stop peeing because I was so impressed. Like, THAT is dedication. And disgusting. Do you think the person on the other end of the line knew the woman was peeing? Maybe he couldn't hear her peeing, but surely he had to be able to hear the roar of 5 different toilets flushing at once and recognized the sound. Also...and maybe this is just me....when I'm peeing I find it difficult to have a meaningful conversation. Like, I have to either stop talking and finish peeing, or I have to stop peeing and finish what I was saying. This is why I hate going into bathrooms with other people. But this woman could multitask. Props!
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