Farts and Intelligence

So is ripping loud farts not vulgar in certain cultures? Cos I was just sitting in the public common room in my absorption center and there was this one guy chatting on Skype (no headphones…), and every couple of minutes he’d rip a loud mid-sentence fart. Totally nonchalant. My friend and I, on the other hand, were about to have aneurysms trying not to laugh.

So anyway, the good news is that I passed the “exam” for combat soldier positions in general. The bad news is that for this particular job that I’ve been accepted into (Field Intelligence, or Field Intelligence Collecting), I have to undergo a security interview thing. I was talking to a friend who interviewed for a job at the Israeli embassy, and who therefore underwent a strenuous security interview, and he tried to give me some kind of an idea of what questions they’ll ask me. Among other more boring questions, he said they’ll probably give me some shit about my dad being Christian, they’ll ask about any medical problems, and they’ll ask about political beliefs and about any activism I’ve been a part of.

And of course they ask about any drug use.

Let’s be pretty honest here, kids: I’m pretty straightedge. But the honest answer is that, yes, I have smoked weed on a few occasions over the past few years. Is the amount of times I’ve done that really low though? Yes. Have I done that in the past year? No. Do I plan on using drugs of any kind in the near future? No. I asked my friend if I should just be honest, and he told me to just lie.

My problem is that I’m a terrible liar. Usually when I tell lies I’m so bad at it that it doesn’t even get to the point where people actually believe me. On the rare occasions when I actually do get someone to believe my lie, I’m so pleased with myself for finally succeeding that I end up smiling uncontrollably, almost like a smirk of, “I can’t believe I got away with it,” which instantly dashes my success away.

So my thought here is that if I choose to lie, I won’t be able to lie convincingly, meaning the interviewer will think that in addition to being a drug user (and who knows how many times!!! Maybe she’s high right now!!!), I’m also a tremendous liar. My idea is that if I just tell the truth, it might be less harmful. Still not exactly a positive point of my interview, but less harmful than telling a lie. It’s like one of those bizarre things my mother told me a lot when I was younger:

“If you’re on trial for murder and your honest alibi is that you were shoplifting at the time of the murder…just go ahead and tell them you were shoplifting.”

Sure, it’s not as catchy as some homey sayings you might find in Little House on the Prairie, like “Waste not, want not” or “Marry in black and you’ll wish yourself back,” but this is the wisdom of my mother. And I think she makes a fair point.