Random Thoughts on Israelis, by an Israeli

I hate it when I emerge from my room in the morning and find that a stranger is sitting in my living room. It’s not so much that I hate strangers—and let’s be honest, I DO hate strangers—but more that I hate the look these particular strangers give me.

They stare at me, their eyes following me to the bathroom. Their eyes narrow and squint and their foreheads crease with annoyance as they seem to say, “What the hell are YOU doing here?”

Well, stranger, I haven’t peed in several hours so that seems like a good idea unless I feel like just taking a leak in my bed….oh, I’m sorry, did I need your permission?


What I find really confusing about this whole set-up is that usually said stranger is sitting with one of my roommates. Whether it was one of my roommates from college, or roommates from the kibbutz, or roommates from right now….I would come into the room and it would be completely obvious from the expression on my roommate’s face that they were not in the least bit concerned with my presence. So I’m not sure why the stranger would be so concerned with my sudden appearance. If my roommate doesn’t seem to be surprised or frightened of my appearance, there’s a finite number of possibilities as to my identity.

Next time someone gives me the “What are YOU doing here?” look I’m just going to snap back, “I pay rent here—just what the fuck is YOUR excuse for being here?”


Henyways, here are some random thoughts from the week:

1) Why do all Israeli girls, even the 8 year olds, sound like they’ve been smoking a pack a day since before they were born? Am I the only one who notices the very raspy quality to Israeli girls’ voices? Am I imagining it?

2) Israelis really need to get over the song “Jai Ho” from Slumdog Millionaire, and on that note, Israelis really need to get over the entire soundtrack from Slumdog Millionaire. I get it. We all liked the movie. Let’s move on.

3) I saw the Transformers 2 movie. It was weird that in Hebrew they’re called “Robotrikim” apparently….so that was strange. Anyway, during the entire movie a group of girls was chatting and shrieking and getting up and moving and generally pissing off everyone in the theater. Eventually ushers came in, stopped the film, and made the whole group of girls leave. What I’m really pissed off about though is that the girls also talked during the previews. And the new Harry Potter trailer was playing. It was the first time I had seen the trailer. I don’t think I even need to tell you, but I was really fucking excited. But of course, I couldn’t hear a thing because Efrat and Ofrat and Osnat and Liat and whoever were all shrieking and blabbering on—about something completely unrelated to Harry Potter.

Seriously, who the hell talks during a Harry Potter trailer? ISRAELIS. Seriously, the only sound you should hear during a Harry Potter trailer is the sound of everyone’s jaw simultaneously hitting the floor in amazement, and the occasional pit-pat of droplets of drool dripping to the floor.

4) Why do Israelis always think you’re cutting them in line? Certainly there’s something to be said for not being a sucker, for not getting cut in line…but nothing compares to how territorial Israelis can get with their spots in line. Israelis, I fear, are just one degree of sanity away from peeing on their spots in line. And I’m not just talking about the line for the bus, if you can even call it a “line.” Just last night I was in the supermarket and this Israeli woman abandoned her cart in the middle of an aisle, not too far from a check out line. Israelis have an interesting habit of doing that, of leaving their cart in line and then just disappearing for thirty minutes or a week. I happened to get in that same line, knowing that I’d be behind this woman should she ever decide to return from the epic solo journey that all Israelis seem to make while waiting to pay for groceries. I moved in a little closer to the counter though since I didn’t want to block the aisle. Big mistake. The woman came back and started freaking out, saying that she was here first and blahblahblah. I calmly explained that I knew, but that I simply didn’t want to stand in the middle of the “street” and be in the middle of everyone’s way. She kept freaking out at me as she moved her cart in front of me. She shut up for a while, but every time I moved my cart forward as the line progressed, she’d turn back around and give me an aggressive look, preparing to get out her elbows and everything should I even dare to try to cut her “again.” She actually reminded me of middle school PE when we played football. I was the quarterback and I distinctly remember seeing people playing defense for the opposing team, positioned exactly like she was.

There were about 10 distinct moments where I just wanted to scream at her, “FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I KNOW YOU’RE IN FRONT OF ME, I’M NOT TRYING TO CUT YOU, YOU PSYCHO BITCH!”

5) There’s poop flying in Jerusalem. The Haredim are pissed because a parking lot in Jerusalem is open on Shabbat. I’m beginning to think I wasn’t raised Jewish at all, because I don’t recognize these Jews. The Jews I grew up with in Hebrew School did things like dance to the song “Pata Pata” (you might have to google it…) every Sunday, and sing songs about doing good deeds….and have “cheeseburger bar mitzvahs.” Sure, it probably wasn’t the best religious upbringing ever, but at least it would never occur to me to throw shit—actual shit--at cops because of a parking lot.


6) A couple days ago someone asked me if there was any dog that I’m afraid of. I quickly said no, but then I really thought about it. Is there a dog that I would cross the street to avoid? Finally I realized YES. One. Giant, full-sized poodles. There is something I find particularly terrifying about them.