So I'm crazy.

About ten years ago, when I was 12 and my brother 13, my brother summarized the film "Brazil" like this:

"So this guy....he dreams a lot and he dreams so much that at the end he can't distinguish dreams from reality. Oh yeah, and he lives in the future."

And while I'm not sure that this is the best way to summarize Brazil, I gotta say that I kind of identify with my brother's interpretation of the main character. Minus the part about living in the future--though I guess I am living in the future, it just depends on who you ask, or rather when you ask.

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that for my entire life I've had horribly vivid dreams. I say "horribly" vivid not because they're all nightmares, but because they're all so real to me that when I wake up the dream seems as real to me as memories--and not distant childhood memories, but memories as fresh as last week. You might wonder why this is horrible, but I think the answer is obvious: I think things have happened that really didn't.

Maybe this is why I get upset when I realize that, rationally, I can't hold a grudge against people for things they did against me in my dreams. Even when I realize rationally that it must have been a dream, the overpowering, irrational side of me wants to carry that grudge.

Most of the time my realistic dreams are pretty harmless. At most they're disappointing, like the times when I dream that old friends that I've lost touch with call me and we catch up and rekindle our friendships. I wake up in a good mood, but I don't immediately remember my dream. Later in the day, or perhaps later that week, I'll fondly recall the conversation, only to realize that I dreamt it all. Other times I dream that I am checking my e-mail, which perhaps says something about how boring I am. When I wake up from that dream, I start to get ready for the day without doing my usual pre-class e-mail checking.

All in all, it's been pretty harmless. Dreaming of checking your e-mail and not immediately recognizing that the dream wasn't real upon waking up? Not really a big deal.

But how about dreaming that you went to culinary school for five years and not immediately recognizing that the dream wasn't real upon waking up?

Yeah, that's right. Today (in real life) I walked by a famous cooking school here and watched through the floor-to-ceiling windows as the trainee chefs scurried about, stirring and chopping things. The teacher appeared to be barking orders, and some of the students looked rather flustered as they tried to obey him. I smiled to myself and walked on, thinking, "Gosh, I'm so glad I'm past that stage and now I'm the one giving the orders." As I rounded the corner I caught sight of the Hollywood sign, which was a jarring exit from my temporary re-entry into the dream world, caused by my watching the chefs. I don't really know how my brain works, but if I had to translate the process of what happened in my brain right then (in the span of less than a second), it'd be something like:

"Wait, I'm in LA? When did I leave Paris? I can't remember.... Well then when am I going back? I don't know. Why am I going back? Because I'm a famous chef there. A what??? How am I a famous chef? Cos I spent 5 years in culinary school in Paris. Wait wait wait. This is the same person who ate macaroni and cheese every day in Jerusalem because she couldn't figure out how to cook anything else. Oh shit, I must have dreamt those five years."



I seriously don't even know how to finish this post, other than with: "I am officially crazy."