Passion of the Hairy Man

I’m watching a movie right now. “The Passion of the Christ.” I’m nine minutes in so far, and if the movie doesn’t calm the fuck down and get over itself then I’m gonna have to hurt someone. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. Apparently the hairy guy has been betrayed and is upset about it, everything seems to be blue, and Judas had money thrown at him by strange looking men.

Now a different group (or is it he same group?) of strange men have met up with the hairy guy in some sort of blue forest, and everyone’s looking around at each other. The hairy man confesses to being Jesus, the movie gets even more dramatic with bright flaming torches that stick out shockingly in the midst of this blue forest, some generic middle eastern wailing plays in the background, and there is a sort of homoerotic kiss shared between the hairy man and some other man who I don’t recognize.

Ah! The other man I didn’t recognize is Judas. “Yehuda.”

They break apart from the kiss, some more dramatic shots of the torches in the midst of this bizarre blue forest, and suddenly there’s a shot of some other hairy man who I don’t recognize. Wait, maybe it’s the same hairy man.

Suddenly a fight breaks out in slow motion. It’s hard to tell who is winning because, as I’ve already mentioned, everything is blue and all the men look the same: hairy. Oh! Someone got away I think. I don’t know if it’s Jesus though. We had to study The Gospels in high school, but I don’t remember there being any fight in a blue forest in slow motion, so I can’t use my background knowledge to figure out who just got away.

I gotta hand it to him, the hairy man looks pretty calm throughout all of this. That must be part of the qualifications for being Messiah/Moshiach: 1) Does not freak out when there is a slow-mo knife fight directly in front of him.

The hairy man has approached a soldier (?) with a bloody wound on the side of his head. He takes the soldier’s hand away from the wound, staring at him deeply…with purpose. This lasts a little too long for comfort. DUDE! HE JUST GREW THE GUY’S EAR BACK! The hairy man is caught and led away, but not before it has been made clear that the soldier has fallen in love with him, and he stares at the hairy man with longing as he is led away.

I’m beginning to think that the point of this movie is just to show that Jesus got beaten up a lot before he died. Is that a legitimate story for a movie?