Haredi Crushes

So today I met a potential housemate, and he was so good looking that I was actually embarrassed at the prospect of living with him. It was actually extremely difficult, trying to come across as a rational, sane, friendly and mature adult….and yet inside feeling like a giggling schoolgirl. Oh G-d, I’m such a freak….

Anyway, I’ve decided that lately my life has gotten a little bit boring and it’s time to spice things up. How?

I’m going to start seducing Haredi men.

Okay, that’s actually a little bit misleading. So when I was talking to this potential flatmate, he asked what I like to do and I told him I like to write. He asked what I wrote about, and I said I keep a “journal” (you’re reading it, folks) about all the things that happen to me in Israel. He asked for an example of such a thing, and I told him about the time that an orthodox guy mooned me from a yeshiva van traveling down the abandoned highway I was standing at the side of. He was completely bewildered—yes, not just surprised, but actually bewildered. He started demanding answers to questions, like his whole world had suddenly been turned upside down. After demanding a detailed description of my “assailant,” his ass, his buddies, the van, and the setting, his next question was, “Were you wearing something revealing?”

I explained that, if he knew me better, he’d know that I NEVER wear something revealing. I told him that a short-sleeved polo shirt is pretty much as sexy as it gets for me. And my potential housemate’s response? “If you weren’t wearing something revealing, then why did he moon you???”

Which raises the question: is wearing revealing clothing the guaranteed ticket to getting to see some random orthodox guy’s ass?

I’ve decided to find the answer to that question, and even explore it further. If wearing revealing clothing makes orthodox boys moon you, then what happens if you wink at or give a seductive glance to a Haredi guy? Besides getting beaten up, of course. Like, are they so overwhelmed by this unprecedented expression of sexuality from a member of the opposite sex that they instantly feel compelled to rip off all their clothing? If a girl, not even a pretty one, blows a kiss in the middle of Mea Shearim, would the street instantaneously be filled with naked Haredi men, wearing nothing but enormous fur hats on their heads?

So for the next few days, I’m going to walk down the streets of Jerusalem smiling, winking and giggling coquettishly at Haredi men. Wish me luck, and if someone wouldn’t mind writing me an obituary, I’d really appreciate it….