Assume: makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Whenever I used to get embarrassed, my mother would always look at me and laugh. “You can really tell just by looking at your face that you come from a red-headed family. You look like your granny. Or…. Actually, you look like a lobster.” Actually, in Human Development Class (the class in school where you have to talk about feelings, sex, drugs, peer pressure, etc…), my classmates gave me the nickname of “Miss Lobster.” Sure, that class was embarrassing to everyone, and most people spent the class giggling or whatnot with embarrassment and awkwardness, but I’d just sit there quietly with my bright red face.

Today I had a moment that made me think of this. Astrology Bitch asked me in Hebrew, “How are your mom and dad?” And I hadn’t talked to them in a relatively long time, so in my head I thought, “Well, I ASSUME they’re okay.” I tried to think about how to convey this thought in Hebrew, but then I realized that just the other day in class we learned “assume” in what our teacher calls “Pretty Hebrew.” So I said to the lady (or at least I thought I said this), “I’m not sure, but I assume they’re okay!”

Almost immediately after I spoke, I could tell I said the wrong word. Astrology Bitch started snickering and said something in Hebrew like, “What a word choice….” I immediately went bright red and just wanted to die because I couldn’t think what I said wrong, and I was like, “Oh my G-d, what if I said something vulgar?” Astrology Bitch kept laughing and laughing, so Charades Bitch said to her, “What are you laughing at?”

And Astrology Bitch said, “Well, Sam said ‘I ASSUME they’re okay,’ and that’s soooo incorrect!” And she continued to laugh at my idiocy.

Normally I don’t like Charades Bitch, but today I love her. She said to Astrology Bitch, “Ehhh…no, she’s correct.”

A huge fight ensued in which Astrology Bitch continued to argue that I used the word incorrectly, while Charades Bitch (who is like 30 years older than Astrology Bitch) refused to back down. The fight ended when Charades Bitch started yelling at Astrology Bitch something like, “Why are you laughing, she’s trying to learn Hebrew! And, that’s a GOOD word she used. And it’s okay to say, “I assume they’re okay.” I think that she must read a lot of books, because she sounds smarter in Hebrew than you do!”
Holy Fuck, it was incredible. Best moment of my life.
(From now on though, I’m not going to use the word. Maybe this is why there’s a saying that goes: “To assume makes an ass out of you and me.”)


On the same note, I think I’ve sort of been “accepted into the tribe” by some of the Women of the Wash. Naomi Bitch has a daughter who is starting the army in August (like I’m aiming to), and so I think that may have helped my case. So she’s suddenly become extremely protective of me. Like, today I bumped my head, and this woman like freaked out like a mother would, and she was showering me with food and hugs and such. Awwwwww….

Not all is well in ulpan land though. Today I was putting away laundry in the cubbies where the members come to pick up their clothing, and a woman came in today…. She immediately eyed me suspiciously. I don’t know how suspicious a person can look when they’re wearing a pink shirt and a curly ponytail and glasses….but there we are. She set her purse down on a table and started to head down the aisle to get her clothing. But she came back. And looked at me. Just stared. So I said, “May I help?” And she said, “This is MY bag. This is mine.” I said okay, and laughed uneasily. She then stared at me for a bit. “This is mine,’ she repeated. I told her that I understand. She replied by saying, “Don’t take anything from my bad, or I’ll know.”

Ladies and gentlemen….I was appalled. It did not even occur to me to go near this woman’s bag (I don’t want to catch any kibbutznik germs and suddenly become infected with lazy asshole-ness). I don’t want to say that I’ve never stolen anything in my life, but let me tell you EXACTLY what I’ve stolen in my life: 1) A couple bucks from my brother when I was 9, and 2) one pair of socks from Baby Gap for my doll when I was a little girl. And I STILL feel guilty about both. So while I can’t honestly say that I’ve never stolen anything in my life, I can say that stealing is not something you’ll likely find me doing.


Finally: I saw this the other day and I just wanted to share it with you. I was watching the news in Hebrew, and suddenly they were having an interview with a guy. The guy was being filmed in his room at home or something. And in the background on the guy’s walls there were pictures of wolves EVERYWHERE. Like, at least 8 that I could see. Just pictures of wolves crammed in to every free space on the wall. And then to top it off, the guy was wearing a t-shirt with a huge picture of a-yes, you guessed it: wolf. Like, obviously someone really likes wolves. Like, a lot. Can you imagine this guy at dinner parties? “Hi, my name is Avi [I don’t remember his real name, but this is a good guess since we’re in Israel]. I’m really interested in wolves.” I could just imagine him, sipping champagne in the corner. He’d be wearing one of his many wolf t-shirts underneath a tuxedo jacket, miserable because he couldn’t find any women to talk about wolves with. “I wish I brought my book about wolves to read….,” he’d think to himself.

I have no idea what the interview was about since I couldn’t hear over my hysterical laughter—but one would assume that the interview was about wolves.