Jewz

Two things happened within 12 hours that made me very happy.

First I have to start with something that didn’t make me very happy. I was talking to a friend and explaining my army situation. Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this—the manager of the kibbutz picked me and one other girl to talk to the Jewish Agency today to talk about how great kibbutz ulpan is (if that’s not proof to you that I only complain on this blog and not really out loud…I don’t know WHAT is) in order for them to get more money.

So my friend says to me, “When you found out that the health clinic on this kibbutz fucked up, what did you do?” I told him that I went to them and asked them to find the form….after I was cut in line not less than THREE times…and then it turns out they had lost it, and I ended up saying sorry to them as if it was my fault. He asked if I screamed at them, which he said he would have done if they had potentially fucked up his army plans, and I said no. I just stood there quietly.

Oh man, did I get a yelling at. “THIS IS WHY THEY PICKED YOU TO GO TO THE JEWISH AGENCY—BECAUSE THE KIBBUTZ CAN BE AS HORRIBLE TO YOU AS THEY WANT AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO YELL BACK! If it were me, or if it were [the names of other people in the ulpan…all of whom fight back], they know that we’d say bad things about this place! This is why you’re stuck in the laundry room while [the name of two assholes who switched jobs] you weren’t allowed to move! This is why the women you work with are so mean to you so much of the time, and this is why the kibbutz didn’t make extra sure to send your blood test to the army! THIS IS WHY [the House Mom] YELLS AT YOU FOR WHAT YOUR ROOMMATE DOES!* Don’t you fucking get it? I mean, you fucking HIT me when I was being mean to someone else, but a couple weeks ago I was yelling at you and saying that you’re incapable of functioning in society, and you didn’t even yell back! I can’t stand this, why don’t you fight back??”

(*The House Mom yells at me when my roommate doesn’t come to class, like it’s my fault, but has not once raised her voice at my roommate—who she know wouldn’t take that kind of shit and who she knows has a father 15 minutes away who wouldn’t let that kind of shit happen to his daughter) and yells at me for the trash in the ulpan area….when she knows damn well that the person creating the trash is a big, scary American guy that will yell back. I told her that I would NEVER EVER leave trash on the ground in Israel, but she doesn’t believe me because I guess she doesn’t understand.)


I guess he has a point though. I’ve always been a little bit like that, where I only fight back on rare occasions. I think it’s only gotten worse since I’ve gotten here, because I feel like that it’s really being taken advantage of here.


I did sort of yell back last night though. I mean, by normal standards it’s kind of lame, but whatever. The House Mom called me because there was a special night program for us, and most people hadn’t shown up. She started yelling at me, demanding to know where everyone was. Then she screamed at me to get everyone together, to the ulpan room, NOW. Said in the nastiest way possible, as if it were MY fault that no one had shown up yet. Normally I would have given a meek yes and then lamely tried to round everybody up against their will….probably with little success. But this time I yelled back, “Christ, [House Mom], I’m not a fucking cowboy, I can’t round everybody up like cattle if they don’t want to come!

Immediately after I said it, I put my hand over my mouth in surprise. The jaws of the ulpanists sitting around me all simultaneously dropped, and the friend who yelled at me for being so meek all the time patted me on the back. I waited for the woman’s response, dreading it, thinking she was going to keep yelling at me like she does when I just sit there meekly. But instead she said something like, “Oh, okay. Sorry.”

I think that was maybe the first sorry I got out of someone on this kibbutz. I hate how that works. I just sit there quietly, and I continue to get screamed at and blamed for problems OTHER people cause……..but when I yell back and act completely disrespectful, the screaming immediately stops and I get a fucking “sorry!” I don’t understand these people at all!


Anyway, so I show up to the night program. The lady leading it has been there twice before, so she sort of knows us all a bit. She’s an olah from an English speaking country, and I was the only English speaker who showed up. So we’re chatting in English, and she asked how the army thing was going. I told her about the kibbutz health clinic’s screw up and how I was really concerned about what I was going to do.

The House Mom came by and asked what we were talking about. I explained in Hebrew that I was upset about what happened with the form, and that I was scared cos I don’t have a job or house or a work permit or anything, and if the army thing doesn’t work out then I’m really fucked. The House Mom brushed me off and said “Yiyeh b’seder.” Which fucking pissed me off. I tried to calmly explain in my broken Hebrew that I had a LOT to worry about and that I wasn’t sure that “yiyeh b’seder.” In the middle of it, the olah/lecturer interrupted me. She said to me in English, “You’re doing it wrong, darling.” She’s been here for 19 years, so her Hebrew is excellent, so she started YELLING at the House Mom that the kibbutz really fucked me over and that they needed to do everything in their power to FIX IT. The House Mom immediately backed down and then said to me that the ulpan office would do EVERYTHING possible to fix the problem and to make everything b’seder.

Oh my goodness, I love the lecturer lady. I have never in my life wanted to give someone a huge hug more than right then. It really just made me feel great to know that someone out there wasn’t about to let me get fucked over.

Another nice thing? So I’m in the taxi with another girl from ulpan, and we’re on our way to talk to the Jewish Agency. The taxi driver is chatting with us and during the conversation the other girl says, “Snai chodeshim” rather than “chodshayim.” She was saying something like, “Yes, I have been here for two months, and I don’t want to go home.’ And the taxi driver smiled and said something in Hebrew like, “Yes, I also never want to leave Israel! Oh, and it’s “chodshayim.”” Very sweetly. The other girl explained that she didn’t understand, so the taxi driver (while driving) went through this very thorough explanation (in Hebrew) of the dual form. He frequently paused to ask if the girl understood or if she saw he was talking about, and allowed questions. This is going to sound so stupid, but it really was one of the kinder things that I’ve witnessed in Israel. I mean, he was just so nice about it, and didn’t make fun when the girl asked questions. And by the time we got out of the car, she had learned an important concept in Hebrew.

I don’t know, it’s just such a nice change from what it’s like on the kibbutz. Last night we went to the kibbutz’s Bar Mitzvah show, and afterwards one of the Bar Mitzvah boys walked by. My friend (who has a strong English accent), said something in Hebrew like, “It was a great show, and congratulations!”

And the little shit, the little Bar Mitzvah kid, says in his meanest impression of this guy’s accent in Hebrew, “Thanks!” Then he laughed hysterically. He turned to his friend and repeated it, mocking the guy’s accent. The Bar Mitzvah kid and his friend walked away and kept repeating Todah in a ridiculous English accent. Which is really shitty. It doesn’t feel good when you are trying to be kind and supportive and you end up getting teased. I know you think that it’s just 13 year olds being 13 year olds….but unfortunately even adults on this kibbutz have done shit like that.

So, Mr. Taxi Driver: I salute you for giving an impromptu Hebrew lesson in a kind way!

(By the way, in case you’re wondering what I told the Jewish Agency: In the maybe five minutes total that I talked about myself, I made a SINGLE reference to the kibbutz. I said that I chose to come to a kibbutz as part of Zionist ideals to come settle the land…and ended up in the laundry room. The Jews thought this was a cute joke, so they all laughed and clapped their hands in delight. The rest of the time I talked about my family background, what made me decide to come to Israel and general, and what I’m doing AFTER the kibbutz. I thought this was the most diplomatic thing to talk about, as opposed to Oliver Twist’s tool shed.)

P.S. The Jewish Agency place? Oh my goodness, the room we were in was like a picture out of an anti-semitic book. You know how people say the Jews control the world and that there’s like a council of elders who meet and discuss how to continue controlling the world? Well, I’m pretty sure those people got that idea from this room I was in. It was a huge board room, with an enormous table. Jews lined it on both sides, and on both ends there was another enormous table—so it was like a huge, I-shaped table. In front of each chair, there was a microphone. There was an enormous picture of Herzl on the wall—think beyond ‘enormous.’ Think of a picture of a frightening size. I’m only exaggerating a little when I say it looked like the sort of picture/banner that you’d unroll along the side of a building during the climax of a particularly violent and emotional public rally or demonstration-- as well as two Israeli flags and signs that said “The Jewish Agency for Israel” and “The World Zionist Organization.” The ceiling was extremely high, and the walls were paneled with wood squares, which gave the room an old-fashioned and sinister quality. Kind of like Dracula’s mansion.
Everyone who sat at the table looked like a stereotypical Jew, and almost every single man wore a kippa. In a mixture of Hebrew and English, the Jews who had come from various countries and continents discussed how to get more people to come to Israel and how to market the idea. Oh man. It was everything I could do to keep from laughing…it was EXACTLY like how I pictured it would look like if we Jews actually DID control the world. Oh man. It totally made my day.