Today I got annoyed at work, so I pulled a Robin Hood. I stole a box of cookies from the laundry room and started handing them out to strangers. A couple confused Israelis accepted after I thrust cookies into their hands and said in English, "Enjoy!" I know I for one certainly enjoyed.
I had a serious talk with my ma about coming back to school this fall. And it's starting to look like a good option. No, nothing "happened" to make me want to come home. I'm just sick of struggling here and being so fucking lonely and everything being difficult. Normally I'm not a phone person, but today when I was on the phone with the registrar's office I felt GOOD. I felt superb. Because I knew the lady was speaking in clear, Midwestern-accented English, and I could understand perfectly every word that came out of her mouth. And I knew that, when the time would come, I would be able to respond in perfect English. I really love this country, but being here is making me hate it.
There's also the whole distance from the family thing. We're (we being the immediate family and the extended family) having problems of various natures and I feel bad not being back there to help out. Even if I was in Chicago, I could at least come back home for long weekends and if anything disastrous happened I could be home within 6 hours. Also, I simply don't like the distance between us when good things happen--for example, my family forgot to tell me that my oldest brother proposed to his girlfriend until AFTER all of the rest of our family AND friends knew.
I love this country, I really do, but the problem is that I also really love the US. Call me a brainwashed American or call me stupid or call me a bad Jew, but that's just how I am. And while Israel has been really exciting and it's been an adventure, I'm kind of ready to just go home, sit on the porch and eat a fucking hamburger.
I am really thrilled that I had the opportunity for the past 5 months to live in what is essentially a suburb of Jerusalem, a city that is holy to me. But, and I don't want to get too corny here, I think there's also something holy about the city/country you grew up in, where all your memories take place and where all your family is.
All right. As is usual when I write stuff like this, I'm expecting comments/e-mails/phone calls from people who are angry, telling me that I need to stay in Israel because I'm a Zionist. Or maybe I'll get nothing this time. You know what would be a nice substitute for the angry comments/calls? How about a nice big hug. And the words, "Oh, Sam, you poor thing....it'll be okay." Really, unconditional love and pity would be great at the moment.
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5 comments:
Hi,
I sort of stumbled upon your blog and actually spent a few days reading the entire thing. You should be getting paid for this, seriously, you are hysterical.
Anyways, kol hakavod for doing something that I am been wrestling with for the past 6 years ever since I studied for a semester at TAU. My problem is that I can rationalize by way in and out of anything, so currently I have "rationalized" that Israel may not be the best decision for me right now.
But I do understand what people mean when they say that the best way to cure a case of Zionism is to make aliyah. That said, it seems you may have had the atypical (or typical) experience in that you came before college and are joining the army. If you want to return to the US for familial and comfort reasons, then those are just as good of a reason as any. But maybe, because many people your age back home are in college, you might want to try pursusing college in Israel as opposed to the army right now, and maybe do army after. That might make you feel like you are doing something productive, and will help take the edge off.
Both the IDC and Bar Ilan offer BA degrees that can be taken in English, and since you made aliyah, you will virtually be able to go for free. Plus, the BA degrees in Israel are only 3 years as opposed to 4 like in the States. I have some friends who did this and I am amazed at the time and money they saved, as well as the fact that they go to be in Israel and not have to worry about things like earning a living. Some are staying, some have decided 3 years in Israel is enough and are going back, but at least they had more of a "cushion" upon their aliyah, rather than being thrown in with the wolves as it sounds like you have.
Plus, no offense, but 5 months on a kibbutz folding other people's laundry anywhere, whether it be in Israel or on a Caribbean island would make anyone want to leave at some point. Yes it is cliche, but there is a reason why most olim end up in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem, and that is because if you are going to uproot yourself for a new country, language, lifestyle, you might as well semi-enjoy it. So maybe getting away from folding underwear and moving closer to the Tel Aviv beach or just Haifa's mountains might do you some good.
Man, I got your message, but it's always from unknown number so I can't call back. btw I have a new number, so check my face book.
onto the topic at hand. school's good. It's good to dither right now. You're only 20. It's not the end, or the beginning, of the world. Just solid awesome time. Time spent here, there, or anywhere is good as long as you feel good about it. And I bet you feel pretty good about that time. I hope you are gonna enroll in Heeb, and help me out, since I have forgotten so much. Nobody judges you, and if anyone does, who are they to judge you? Very few people I know have done what you've done, and I'd consider you the most successful of my American emigres.
I will admit, I'm minorly happier you're returning, as it will be nice to have a good friend back.
p.s I am living in CRC again
p.p.s. @marni--she's not made aliyah, she was in college, and right now, Sabras just aren't for her. maybe a closer read of a)the tagline, b) the initial posts and c) the comment conversations is in order.
fqlzt
I too stumbled upon this blog and absolutely love it! I was searching for info on being an anglo, Olah Hadasha in the army and somehow made my way here.
Anyways, being in Israel is tough no mater how you look at it. It’s a bitch not having automatic hot water, carpet, a car, a job, family, Target…and to top it off, you can't ask people for help because they don't understand you.
After basically dropping out of college to spend 6 months in Jerusalem , I’m not totally talking out of my ass. I remember the sheer terror I experienced trying to get a visa at Misrad HaPanim. And countless other “disasters” created by my supposed grasp of Hebrew. After my 6 months there I was on my way back to America. I knew I wanted to live in Israel permanently, but honestly I just was really damn excited for the comforts of America . So here I am in California, Orange County of all places and I have a job, a car, tv and there’s an ATM machine on ever corner. You know what?? It totally stinks. It's the most empty thing I've ever experienced.
Yeah people here are polite, they speak my language and know how to stand in line, which is great. But, all the comforts that I missed so dearly aren't as fulfilling as I had imagined. In a way it feels numb. People here just don’t have the same zest for life and crazy passion like they do in Israel . Point and case - honking
I think I digressed. My point is Israel is definitely tougher than America, but taking the easier route isn’t necessarily going to make you happier. Maybe try and give it another chance doing something else. I think Marni’s right, working in a laundry room anywhere is enough to make someone miserable. You need to be somewhere that has people that make you happy and challenge you.
That in mind, who am I to say that America isn’t right for you? Just wanted to give you an opinion of a person who was in your situation and is now fighting her way back to Israel. Also, a big thank you... When I met with a shaliach to open my aliyah file, she suggested I live on a kibbutz before I go to the army. Partly because of you blog I said no. You've saved me from the kibbutz!! Best wishes.
P.S. now I think you have to up your reader count
First off, thanks to everyone for the advice/support/ideas/whatnot. I really do appreciate that people, even ones I don't know, took time out of their day to try to help me out.
Marni-- I think you have the right idea about suggesting doing university here. My problem is that I really like langauges so I'm determined to get my Hebrew to a level where I can take classes through the medium of Hebrew. I think what I'll do is just keep trying to improve my Hebrew while I'm back in the US, and at the moment I'm planning to do grad school in Israel in Hebrew or something like that when I try for Aliyah Round Two.
Abraham-- I'm really friggin excited to see you. I miss seeing movies with you (namely Horton Hears a Who) and being the loudest laughers in the theater. And when I try for Aliyah Round Two, I'm expecting you to be here in Israel as well. I'll be able to introduce you to the five people I know in Israel (okay okay, I'm stretching the truth. I actually only know three people in Israel), and I'll say, "This is Abraham, my aliyah buddy who is a paratrooper who falls into crowds."
sabra stephanie-- Part of me is sad to hear that someone else was in a similar situation, but then part of me is a total bitch and feels a little better because of it. I think that, like you, I'll miss Israel and I'll want to go back. I think that right now though I need to go back to my family and what I know, and get ready for Round Two. (This is the part in the boxing movie where my manager slits my eyes and rubs my back.) Also, I'm glad to be able to prevent more unhappy situations in kibbutzim. But, in fairness, I've heard of a lot of pleasant kibbutzim. I don't want to put specific names on this blog (there's a LOT of words and word combinations taht I've been avoiding) because I'm trying not to appear in certain google searches. If you want more info on recommendations on good kibbutzim and crap like that, just drop me a line at "samberry at u dot northwestern dot edu" because I'd love to help if I can.
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