If Nader wins....

I love that before every election, you always hear people saying:

"If X wins, I'm moving to Y!"

Example? "If Bush wins, I'm moving to Canada."


Now, on a rational level, I can't imagine Bush was horrible enough to make people want to humiliate themselves by becoming Canadian, but that's another topic for another day....

But for this election, I will say: "If Barack Obama wins, I'm moving to Israel."


But then again, I can also say: "If John McCain wins, I'm moving to Israel."

Regardless of who wins, I'm going.


You know what? Let's get creative. Let's come up with different things to do depending on who wins.
If Nader wins, I'm moving to Wales.
If Bob Barr (libertarian) wins, I'm moving to France.
If McKinney (green) wins, I'm moving to Iraq.
If Keyes (American Independent) wins, I'm moving to New Zealand.


Also, I'm sick of all this "CHANGE!" talk. Obama's using it a bit (okay, understatement of the century), but McCain kind of hopped on that bandwagon as well. You know what? It doesn't matter who wins, not a whole lot is gonna change. Obama's a douche and McCain's a douche. Anybody who could devote an entire year and a half (or however long the campaigns have been running) to "traveling" the country, shaking hands and babies, and trying to say exactly what people want to hear....ANYBODY who does that, regardless of political affiliation, is a douche. You HAVE to be a douche to campaign. Dubya? A douche. John F. Kennedy? A douche. Abraham Lincoln? Also a douche.

So pretty much every president in this nation's history has been a douche, and they're only getting douchier because they're under a lot more scrutiny nowadays, what with the internet and TV and all.

So let's not say anymore, "Well, X seems like the kind of guy I'd have a beer with," because X is actually just a douche. X ain't gonna be drinking beer with you in the foreseeable future because he's too busy being a douche. X doesn't have time to crack open a Budweiser, a taste he secretly despises, with you because, like a gypsy or perhaps a creepy transient hobo, he needs to be moving on to the next state, where he'll pick up even more babies and give even more clammy, limp handshakes to a different crowd of morons.

I'm not sure what my point in saying all of this is. I guess my point is this: no matter who wins tomorrow, if your guy wins you shouldn't say, "Wow, we're in for some great change and some great times under this GLORIOUS LEADER." Because no matter who wins, the "glorious leader" is going to be a douche. That's just how it's going to be. I guess it's a little depressing that we have to live in a world where our lives revolve around which two douches an election will narrow down to every four years, and then we spend the next couple years being led by one of those douches.....but that's how it goes.

And may the best douche win.