where the hell am I supposed to be?

Edit: I guess I should say something about the election. Well, obviously I'm disappointed that McCain lost. Bright side though? I think Obama's really hot, so at least I have that to look forward to for the next four years (at least). I mean, not JOHN EDWARDS hot, but still quite hot. See, every storm cloud has a silver lining!


So at the moment I'm deciding against aliyah. I guess part of it has to do with the fact that the whole being home thing--driving across the country, experiencing an election, and seeing old friends and family once again--has made me realize that this really is my country. Not that Israel isn't....

I ended up calling my mom and having a sobfest, with me begging to come home. I kept sobbing that I wanted to come home, or that I wanted to go to Israel, or that I wanted to live in the boondocks of some rural state. ANYWHERE but here.

"My mom used to always say that you can't run away from your problems," said my Mom. I responded, "Really? That doesn't sound like grandma...." And my mom said, "Actually, the direct quote was, 'You're going to run away, Karen? Honest? Fine. Just know that wherever you go, YOU'LL still be there.' " And I loved the way my mom acted out my grandma saying "You'll," as if my mother would have been the most repulsive thing to come across when running away from home.

But I guess that's valid. I suppose in all my wanderings, from my longing to move to Wales and lead the Welsh independence movement (my goal throughout high school) to my longing to move to Israel and be a zionist leader (well, technically I wanted to be a prophet or the next Moses, but for some reason G-d chose not to agree), the main issue is that I really just don't like me and I don't like other people.

I'm gonna say that this is a 50-50 thing. Or maybe 75-25. 75% of my problems in life can be directly traced to my self-loathing and to the fact that I am socially inept. And the other 25% of my problems is completely unrelated to me and is based solely on the fact that people, as a rule, are douches. And let's face it: I ain't changing anytime soon. And people are douches, even in Israel.

My mom kept repeating, "Just hang in there." I'm starting to get sick of those words. I feel like that cat from all those posters, you know, the cat that everyone keeps telling, "HANG IN THERE!"



And I just wanna yell back, "BITCH, I AM HANGING FROM A FUCKING TREE BRANCH-- GET ME A GODDAMN LADDER!"

SOMEONE CALL THE FUCKING FIRE DEPARTMENT!

The problem is that if I leave....I give up all the shit I had to put up with. From kindergarten. All of it would be for nothing. And also, barring the taxi driving profession, any other profession I have ever considered in my life would be off-limits to me: I couldn't be a teacher, or an army psychiatrist (seriously, I wanted to do this), or....or whatever.

I'm thinking maybe I just have to "hang in there." And then when I graduate I can go off and lead the Welsh rebellion or some kind of Zionist uprising or some shit like that. For right now though, i guess i just gotta be boring and bored.


EDIT: I keep hearing people say/reading on status messages on Facebook/whatever whatever "Oh, FINALLY I'm proud to be an American!" or "For once in my life I'm actually proud to be an American!" Which I think is pretty disgusting. I mean, I get it, you didn't like Bush. Fine. I don't like Obama but I'm not suddenly ashamed to be an American just because he's going to be our next president. I don't know. I guess I just find people like that absolutely disgusting, kind of like how self-hating Jews are, except here we have self-hating Americans.


Welsh, French, Italian, Arabic, Hebrew, Romanian-- languages I'd like to try to learn. must talk to college advice person about this...