Someone call the Messiah! Quick!

So Motzei Shabbat, my second day of work in the pizza place was kind of interesting. A new character joined the pack (although he was clearly a senior staff member), and he kept getting angry at me for using the serving utensil to place pizza on people’s plates. Actually, we don’t use plates in Israel for pizza, we use cardboard sheets. it’s kind of weird. But whatever.

Anyway, I was really reluctant to touch other people’s food because I wasn’t wearing gloves and because G-d only knows where my hands have been and what nastiness they have touched, which I guess is kind of stupid an un-Israeli of me. Three months of aliyah plus 5 months as a tourist, the norm for me should be to assume the lowest standards of hygiene. This isn’t me picking on the pizza place, but rather me picking on Israel in general. Look, come to Israel for religious reasons, for the weather, for the culture, for whatever….but don’t come here for its high standards of food hygiene.

Whatever though. If this senior staff member wants me to touch other people’s food with my dirty hands (even though I do make a habit of washing them regularly during work, being the OCD American that I am), then fine.

Actually, Saturday was rather confusing because the new senior staff member who I had not met before kept giving me contradictory advice to what the man I recognized as “Boss” suggested. It was actually a little terrifying. But the important thing is that both men seemed to mean well, so that’s something…

After work I stopped in a minimart to buy a drink, and the guy behind the counter asks me in English, “Do you speak German?” Confused, I answered back in English, “Uh, no. Why? Do I look German?” The man then insisted that I looked German, then pulled his co-worker over, who agreed that I looked German. I then insisted that I was both American and Israeli, but certainly not German. The men kind of shrugged, but as I exited the store I heard one say to the other in Hebrew, “She’s definitely German.”



Today, my third day, I felt a little more relaxed. None of the older bosses were around, and it was just “kids” working. I found it a little less stressful and therefore I felt a lot more comfortable with my Hebrew. That’s not to say that I didn’t end up making a mortifying mistake in Hebrew:

In walks a religious man who wants to know about our kosher certification. I pointed to the certificates on the wall, and the man came back unsatisfied and asked if he could borrow our phone to ask our kosher supervisor a question. I went to one of my more experienced co-workers and said to him in Hebrew, “This man is not satisfied with our kosher certification and wants to call The Messiah.”

Followed by a confused stare from my coworker and raised eyebrows from the religious man.
Followed by me blurting out, “SHIT! I meant, Kosher Supervisor!”

But I kind of like the image of the Messiah bursting into pizza places with insufficient kosher certification. Like, you shine the Batman beacon into the night sky, and a guy who slightly resembles Jesus, except even more Jewish looking, comes bursting in and dramatically yells at a man who is about to take a bite of pizza, “HALT! That pizza is not sufficiently kosher!”


I’m actually starting to get really frustrated with my Hebrew. I know it’s one of those things that just take time, but sometimes you just feel like you can’t even wait another day to get fluent. It’s especially difficult when you work in a Hebrew-speaking environment—don’t get me wrong, it’s great practice and I’ll probably improve faster because of it. But sometimes you just want to start crying when an Israeli treats you like you’re some kind of retard because you don’t understand what they’re saying. And in this instance I’m not using the word “retard” lightly. I mean, literally, they think you are of a substantially lower IQ because you can’t figure out what the fuck is going on in Hebrew. It’s so frustrating to be in ulpan and feel fluent for a couple hours a day during class, and then you come out in the real world and everyone expects you to understand everything.

There was actually one horrible moment where this one guy keeps yelling at me to get him some BLJHSDGOIUSOIDGU. And I kept looking around confused, searching for something on the counter, ruling out things that I already knew the word for, trying desperately to use logic to figure out what he was asking for, and he just kept yelling. Finally he yelled, “WHAT’S NOT TO UNDERSTAND???”

I really hate this question. It’s not much of a question, rather a declaration of how stupid you are. I’ve gotten it a few times in my experience as an outsider in Israel, and it never gets any easier on your self-esteem when you hear it.

“WHAT’S NOT TO UNDERSTAND???”

And I responded in Hebrew as I felt my face glow bright red with anger, “A lot. I’m an immigrant, I’m learning Hebrew, I’m still in ulpan.” I really felt like I wanted to cry. And then all of the sudden the man softened and got all apologetic. It turns out he hadn’t heard me say anything, meaning that he didn’t hear that I have an accent, meaning that he didn’t realize that it was a matter of not understanding the vocabulary rather than being a retarded Israeli girl.

Many Israelis, however, hear the accent and yet still treat me like a retard as opposed to a foreigner. Many though are actually quite nice and helpful, for which I’m extremely grateful.

I really really really feel a deep connection between myself and the Mexicans (and other Southern California immigrants). Americans who are reading this: I beg of you to please please please be nice to immigrants in the US.

Anyway, after a particularly negative exchange with an Israeli, I turned to my coworker after the Israeli had left and said, “I feel like a lot of Israelis relate to me as if I’m retarded because I don’t understand what’s going on.”

Coworker: “Awww, you’re not retarded.”
Sam: “No, really, sometimes I just feel so very retarded because of my Hebrew.”
Coworker: “Really, SemenTAH, you can’t be retarded, because even retards understand Hebrew at least sometimes.”

Hahaha, thanks asshole….

On kind of a positive note, I realized that my coworkers know even less English than I had previously thought. During a slow hour, one of my coworkers thought of basic Hebrew words he wants to know in English (to eat, to walk, restaurant, to sleep, my name is, etc…), and then asked me. It actually was great for my self-esteem. I hate to derive self-esteems out of the failings of others, but damnit….where else am I going to get it from? Okay, maybe my Hebrew sucks, but 1) that will hopefully change with time and 2) at least I can go anywhere in the Western World and be understood. I have no clue what my coworkers would do if they were outside of Israel.

Also, we watch a lot of TV at work. Can I just say that I have fallen in love with a show that I guess would be called in English, “Money Cab”? Apparently people get into this cab and then are like, “OMG, IT’S THE MONEY CAB!” And then they answer these trivia questions. It was kind of awesome. I really want to be on the show, but the questions are all Israeli….although it was actually awesome because tonight this group of guys lost because they didn’t know where Toto Tammuz (a soccer player here in Israel) was born. They were choosing between Ghana and Israel, and I kept yelling at the TV, “NO! NO! It’s Nigeria! Nigeria!” Who was right? Oh yeah. That’s right. MEEEE!

Then this TV show came on with Yehuda Levi in it. It was kind of overly dramatic, and all of the sudden someone cut her wrists…causing me to yell in the middle of the pizza place. Then Yehuda Levy came on…wearing glasses, no less…and I kind of sighed a bit and said I liked him. My coworker couldn’t believe that I recognized Yehuda Levy, being a foreigner and all, and started asking if Yehuda Levy was famous back in Los Angeles. I then explained that while I was a tourist for five months I came across the TV show “Ha’Alufa,” and then went on a rant about how great that TV show was…..causing my coworker to start making fun of me mercilessly.

Great. Two paragraphs on Israeli TV. I have to get a life. But oh man….Yehuda Levy….what a dreamboat.