Today in the laundry room I had a wonderful moment where I just loved this country. I was folding laundry when the song "I will always love you" came on the radio. And I was really excited, because it was one of hte first songs I've heard on this radio station that was actually in English. I looked around and noticed that the women of the wash were kind of humming along, but most of the words were giving them difficulty (besides the chorus, which EVERYONE knows). And I thought of how the women try to out-diva each other whenever a familiar Hebrew song comes on the radio. And I thought, this is my moment.
So I started singing. I started singing "I will always love you." In the middle of the laundry room. I didn't belt it as loud as I wanted to, but it was DEFINITELY audible and I definitely sang with emotion. Simply because I was the only one in the room who could easily handle the English lyrics, I out-diva-ed EVERYONE.
And you know what the miraculous thing is? No one gave me a funny look. Not a SINGLE person in the room thought it was bizarre that I was singing loudly to a ridiculously emotional, almost hilariously over-the-top, song. No one even batted an eye.
I fucking love the laundry room. And I fucking love this country.
Today two friends visited me during work when all my coworkers were on their two hour breakfast break. After I told them where my coworkers were, the chubby German kid says in his ridiculous accent, "They take two hours breakfast?? I vould be dancing nekkid on zeh tables!!!" So I'm actually considering doing that on Tuesday....
People keep telling me that the behavior of the women in the laundry room is simply due to the fact that most of the women are 'sabras' or sabra wannabes. No. There is a difference between being a sabra and being a bitch. Okay?
Today I found out that Cold Bitch (daughter of Crazy Bitch) has a daughter. My immediate reaction was, "Someone actually had SEX with this woman??? Jesus, that's further proof that there's someone out there for EVERYONE!" Cold Bitch's daughter is henceforth to be referred to as Lil BIT--Little Bitch in Training.
Today I heard a lot of military copters and shit flying over the kibbutz. And I kept praying, "Please, G-d. Please let them bomb this hell-hole of a kibbutz." When I am Prime Minister (don't laugh, assholes!), my first order will be to raze this kibbutz to the ground and salt the earth.
Applying the "Chaval Al Hazman" principle I learned earlier (that as long as the person saying something you don't understand is smiling, you will assume it's a good or a harmless thing), I have started messing with Fat Bitch. When the other women leave the room, I strike up a conversation in Hebrew. And we're friendly and we chat. Then I pretend that I can't quite figure out how to say something in Hebrew, so I look at her and smile a sweet, sincere-looking smile, and I say something like, "I'm gonna draw on you with a Sharpie." She doesn't understand English and since I'm smiling, she assumes that I"m saying something sweet, so she just smiles back. Oh goodness, it's so fun.
I have to tell you about how Astrology Bitch told me that "Zionism is just about wanting to speak our own language."
My job is so worthless. At least with other jobs, you can wake up and be like, "wow, people NEED me today." When I wake up in the morning, it's hard to seriously think to myself, "Wow, if I didn't go to work today, peoples' clothing on this kibbutz would be even WRINKLIER!"
My mom is telling me that she wants me to study in Jerusalem after ulpan here rather than Haifa (and Tel Aviv is out of the question!) because "Haifa is just too close to Lebanon!" I want to tell her, "This is Israel. EVERYTHING is too close to EVERYTHING!" I mean, Jerusalem is practically in the West Bank! Oh mother....
I'm thinking of calling my job either "Garment Restoration," "Garment Maintenance" or, my personal favorite, "Aquatic Activity Anti-Hydration Apparatus Technician" (which basically amounts to towel folder).
Today my Hebrew teacher came in to pick up her laundry. she knows damn well that I hate my job, and she asks me, "Mah shlomech?" And I wanted to be like, "how the fuck do you THINK it is, bitch? I'm fucking folding towels all day!" But instead I just said, "B'seder."
I feel bad because my country music plug suggests that I don't like the music in this country. Not true! So in addition to "Country Music Shabbat," we'll be having "Israeli Music Sunday!" Today's song is a great song that I listen to basically every day in the laundry room.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
You were wrong, boyo!
Sorry that I keep updating like I'm getta paid by the post, but it's Shabbat and what else am I gonna do....
Before I left NU, someone (an Arab-American from the region of Eretz Yisrael...I want to keep this vague in case someone is reading this) told me, "In Israel this conversation [he, an Arab, speaking to a Zionist Jew] would not be taking place." And I let out a sad sigh, because I thought that would be sad. And I thought, wow, Israel must really be a racist place if that is true.
Um, can I just say that he was SO WRONG. In fact, outside of the olim in the ulpan, the only Israelis I enjoy talking to on this kibbutz are the Arabs who work here. In fact, most of the Hebrew I speak is not to Israelis or to other ulpanists, but to Arabs. In fact, I'm afraid I'm gonna leave this kibbutz speaking Hebrew with an Arab accent.
Sooooooo.....exactly what the hell was he talking about???
Edit with breaking news: Right now I'm looking into academic program in the fall either in Jerusalem or Haifa (but not Tel Aviv because that is sooooooooooo cliche). I'd study Hebrew for two hours every day and Arabic for two hours a day. And then I'd get some sort of job. Annnnnnnd, I'll be a citizen by then (G-d willing!), so it'll be twice as awesome. Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Please share.
Additional info: I just tried to watch the most recent episode of House online like I always did at school (I had class during its airtime). And I was met with this message, "Thank you for your interest in FOX.
This service is currently available to viewers living in the United States."
Holy shit. Holy holy shit. No no no no no!!!!!! I NEED HOUSE! I feel like calling Fox and being like, "But I'm 'Merkinnnnnnnnn! Pleeeeeeeeease, for the love of G-d, please believe me, I'm 'Merkinnnnnnnn!!!!!! Isn't my unalienable right as an American to watch House online? Isn't it guaranteed somewhere? I feel like when I was in DC and visited the place where the Declaration of Independence was, I read something about the right to watch House. Shit shit shit!!!
Before I left NU, someone (an Arab-American from the region of Eretz Yisrael...I want to keep this vague in case someone is reading this) told me, "In Israel this conversation [he, an Arab, speaking to a Zionist Jew] would not be taking place." And I let out a sad sigh, because I thought that would be sad. And I thought, wow, Israel must really be a racist place if that is true.
Um, can I just say that he was SO WRONG. In fact, outside of the olim in the ulpan, the only Israelis I enjoy talking to on this kibbutz are the Arabs who work here. In fact, most of the Hebrew I speak is not to Israelis or to other ulpanists, but to Arabs. In fact, I'm afraid I'm gonna leave this kibbutz speaking Hebrew with an Arab accent.
Sooooooo.....exactly what the hell was he talking about???
Edit with breaking news: Right now I'm looking into academic program in the fall either in Jerusalem or Haifa (but not Tel Aviv because that is sooooooooooo cliche). I'd study Hebrew for two hours every day and Arabic for two hours a day. And then I'd get some sort of job. Annnnnnnd, I'll be a citizen by then (G-d willing!), so it'll be twice as awesome. Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Please share.
Additional info: I just tried to watch the most recent episode of House online like I always did at school (I had class during its airtime). And I was met with this message, "Thank you for your interest in FOX.
This service is currently available to viewers living in the United States."
Holy shit. Holy holy shit. No no no no no!!!!!! I NEED HOUSE! I feel like calling Fox and being like, "But I'm 'Merkinnnnnnnnn! Pleeeeeeeeease, for the love of G-d, please believe me, I'm 'Merkinnnnnnnn!!!!!! Isn't my unalienable right as an American to watch House online? Isn't it guaranteed somewhere? I feel like when I was in DC and visited the place where the Declaration of Independence was, I read something about the right to watch House. Shit shit shit!!!
Shabbat Country Music
I've decided that since country music is not really a thing here in Israel, I am going to mark Shabbat every week on this blog by sharing country music.
This week I've chosen Shabbat-appropriate music. It's about spending the entire week as a nobody, but Friday night comes and you're somebody. It's SO Shabbat-appropriate that it's like Toby Keith wrote it for Shabbat.
Or maybe it's just about getting drunk.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6922045061481975473&q=get%20drunk%20and%20be%20somebody&hl=en
(Toby Keith, a proud American and capitalist, doesn't believe in sharing music so you'll have to go straight to youtube for this one.)
This week I've chosen Shabbat-appropriate music. It's about spending the entire week as a nobody, but Friday night comes and you're somebody. It's SO Shabbat-appropriate that it's like Toby Keith wrote it for Shabbat.
Or maybe it's just about getting drunk.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6922045061481975473&q=get%20drunk%20and%20be%20somebody&hl=en
(Toby Keith, a proud American and capitalist, doesn't believe in sharing music so you'll have to go straight to youtube for this one.)
Friday, May 9, 2008
Ani. Rotzah. Sexo.
I I just have to quickly tell you something I love about my Chilean roommate. Since she knows almost no English and almost no Hebrew, she has a few catch phrases that she loves. One of which is, "ANI ROTZAH SEXO!" (Which, for my American friends, is "I want 'sex-o' !") And she loves shouting this in public places: on buses, in bars, in the cafeteria...wherever she is. She also enjoys demanding of me (again, by yelling across public places), "SAM, AT ROTZAH SEXO????"
Which, of course, causes everyone to give me a funny look. I'm sure "sexo" isn't a word in Hebrew, but I'm also sure that everyone knows what my roomie means. So now my defense mechanism is to give her a confused look as if I have no idea who the hell she is, and yell back in Hebrew, "WHO ARE YOU?"
Which, of course, causes everyone to give me a funny look. I'm sure "sexo" isn't a word in Hebrew, but I'm also sure that everyone knows what my roomie means. So now my defense mechanism is to give her a confused look as if I have no idea who the hell she is, and yell back in Hebrew, "WHO ARE YOU?"
3rd Shabbat in Israel. WHOO YA, BABY!
Tonight will be my third Shabbat in Israel, and now I think I understand Shabbat!
Today I was listening to “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” and “Sir Duke,” and I got a little sad. Both of those songs remind me for Chicago for some reason. Well, I think I know why. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown mentions the South Side of Chicago, and the first time I ever went to Chicago and the first time I arrived in Chicago for college I heard “Sir Duke” within minutes of landing. It’s making me feel a little sad. I kind of miss Chicago. I mean, not enough that I want to go back, but still enough that it makes me a little sad. Oh well. I’m glad to be in Israel.
I’m also listening to a lot of Christian rock and patriotic American music, but I’ve ALWAYS done that, so that’s not a big deal. I must be the only Jew in Israel who REALLY likes Christian music. Aw shit…..they’re totally not gonna believe me at the Misrad Hapnim that I’m Jewish.
Today in the laundry room, we almost had a mutiny on our hands as the head Woman of the Wash decided to take a two hour breakfast break. It was actually thrilling. Then again, if you fold towels all day, you’re bound to find a LOT of stupid little things “thrilling.”
You know what I noticed? I don’t know if this is an Israeli thing or a people in general thing that I hadn’t noticed until now, but I noticed that people here have absolutely no embarrassment about singing along to the radio. I fucking love it! Yesterday on the bus back from Tel Aviv the driver was listening to music and during what was apparently his favorite part he turned up the volume so that everyone on the bus was blasted out of their seats, and he began to just BELT it out. Basically the driver was like, “Fuck it, if I have to drive from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem every fuckign day of my life, I’m gonna enjoy it.” Good for him! I also noticed that when people hear a song they like in the supermarket, they have no shame in just belting along with it. Maybe this is just a weird thing that only happens around me. But I also noticed that ALL DAY during work, the Women of the Wash sing along to the radio. Sometimes they all sing quietly so that the noise in the room sounds like a synagogue, you know, where no one voice stands out. There’s just one unified quiet moan or whisper. But more often than not the women informally compete to out-diva each other. Without openly acknowledging that they are trying to best each other, the women try to be louder, or to have more vibrato (or whatever it’s called), or to hit the highest or lowest notes….all while folding laundry.
The sad thing is: I think I’m becoming a woman of the wash. I’m so tempted to join in this singing. Unfortunately, almost all the songs are in Hebrew, so it’s hard for me to know the words even if I recognize the song. But maybe 5 months from now I’ll be out-diva-ing everyone….
Before I continue, I have to tell you the nicknames I have in my head for everyone I work with: Fat Bitch, Old Bitch, Crazy Bitch, Cold Bitch, Astrology Bitch, Ayin Bitch, French Bitch, and the Prophetic Bastard. There are a few other women of the wash who are unimportant, and to be fair, Astrology Bitch, Ayin Bitch and the Prophetic Bastard are actually quite nice to me. I just figured they’d feel left out if, in this list of nicknames that I will never speak aloud, they were not included.
Today Old Bitch yelled across the room at Ayin Bitch in Hebrew, “She [meaning me] can’t fold the small towels with the big towels! Tell her this so she understands!” (Something I already knew.) So Ayin Bitch screamed back, “She already understands! She understands us now!” And Old Bitch yelled, “No, she doesn’t!” And then Old Bitch turns to me to see my response, and I point to my separated pile of small towels to show that I had understood and that I was doing it without her telling me to. The Old Bitch gave me a surprised look so I shot her back a surly look. And then Old Bitch got so angry….oh it was beautiful. Ayin Bitch turned around and smiled at me, and I was so glad that one of these old women was finally nice to me.
Cold Bitch has been even more of a bitch lately because the ulpanist who normally does all her work for her decided he had had enough of working for Cold Bitch and decided to peace out to Netanyah. Cold Bitch was annoyed, and took it out on the Prophetic Bastard by making him do all the work for her.
The Prophetic Bastard is quite nice. On my off days, I go to visit my German friend who works with the Prophetic Bastard, and so now I’ve made a friend with one of the Women of the Wash—though this is actually an Arab Dude of the Wash.
You know what I’ve noticed in this country? Every thing is “Chaval Al Hazman,” which I think is like a “waste of time” or “shame on time” or something. Except they mean it to be a good thing here. The Women of the Wash use the phrase at least fifty times a day to express their delight at doing something (though I can’t imagine what, since they’re folding laundry all day…) Yesterday though, Fat Bitch said something to me about a “Chaval Al Hazman,” and so I just smiled because I figured she was talking about eating Twinkies or cupcakes or something….But she just kept repeating “Chaval Al Hazman.” And finally I realized she was criticizing the way I was folding towels. It turns out that Fat Bitch meant it was LITERALLY a Chaval. Shit. I’m never gonna get used to this. I mean, she said it while smiling, so I figured it was a GOOD Chaval al Hazman. This is so fucking confusing….
Another phrase I don’t understand is “chick chock!” The Women of the Wash, especially
Fat Bitch, use the phrase “chick chock” like they’re being sponsored by the “chick chock” company, and I still cannot understand what the fuck it means.
I had a pile of towels today that I set aside since they were for our soldiers who stay at the kibbutz, and I still have not been told how to put the soldier’s towels away yet. And Fat Bitch was the only Woman of the Wash left in the room, so she came up to me. You have to understand that Fat Bitch does not understand a WORD of English. Okay, maybe a word is stretching it, but basically she knows yes/no/basic greeting. And even then, she sometimes doesn’t even understand that. So Fat Bitch yells at me, “MA ZEH???” So I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Zeh YOUR Ma!” Which I know doesn’t even make sense but it felt SO right! Oh G-d, it was thrilling….the lady had no idea what the hell I talking about and I totally got to say “your mom!” to an old woman without getting in trouble for it. I love this country!
Okay. Now I need to figure out where I want to go to next weekend. I’m thinking either Tiberias or the Golan Heights. Any votes? I’m basically only expecting a response from Abraham (shout out if he’s reading this!) since he’s my only regular response. ☺ (thanks, buddy)
Today I was listening to “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” and “Sir Duke,” and I got a little sad. Both of those songs remind me for Chicago for some reason. Well, I think I know why. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown mentions the South Side of Chicago, and the first time I ever went to Chicago and the first time I arrived in Chicago for college I heard “Sir Duke” within minutes of landing. It’s making me feel a little sad. I kind of miss Chicago. I mean, not enough that I want to go back, but still enough that it makes me a little sad. Oh well. I’m glad to be in Israel.
I’m also listening to a lot of Christian rock and patriotic American music, but I’ve ALWAYS done that, so that’s not a big deal. I must be the only Jew in Israel who REALLY likes Christian music. Aw shit…..they’re totally not gonna believe me at the Misrad Hapnim that I’m Jewish.
Today in the laundry room, we almost had a mutiny on our hands as the head Woman of the Wash decided to take a two hour breakfast break. It was actually thrilling. Then again, if you fold towels all day, you’re bound to find a LOT of stupid little things “thrilling.”
You know what I noticed? I don’t know if this is an Israeli thing or a people in general thing that I hadn’t noticed until now, but I noticed that people here have absolutely no embarrassment about singing along to the radio. I fucking love it! Yesterday on the bus back from Tel Aviv the driver was listening to music and during what was apparently his favorite part he turned up the volume so that everyone on the bus was blasted out of their seats, and he began to just BELT it out. Basically the driver was like, “Fuck it, if I have to drive from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem every fuckign day of my life, I’m gonna enjoy it.” Good for him! I also noticed that when people hear a song they like in the supermarket, they have no shame in just belting along with it. Maybe this is just a weird thing that only happens around me. But I also noticed that ALL DAY during work, the Women of the Wash sing along to the radio. Sometimes they all sing quietly so that the noise in the room sounds like a synagogue, you know, where no one voice stands out. There’s just one unified quiet moan or whisper. But more often than not the women informally compete to out-diva each other. Without openly acknowledging that they are trying to best each other, the women try to be louder, or to have more vibrato (or whatever it’s called), or to hit the highest or lowest notes….all while folding laundry.
The sad thing is: I think I’m becoming a woman of the wash. I’m so tempted to join in this singing. Unfortunately, almost all the songs are in Hebrew, so it’s hard for me to know the words even if I recognize the song. But maybe 5 months from now I’ll be out-diva-ing everyone….
Before I continue, I have to tell you the nicknames I have in my head for everyone I work with: Fat Bitch, Old Bitch, Crazy Bitch, Cold Bitch, Astrology Bitch, Ayin Bitch, French Bitch, and the Prophetic Bastard. There are a few other women of the wash who are unimportant, and to be fair, Astrology Bitch, Ayin Bitch and the Prophetic Bastard are actually quite nice to me. I just figured they’d feel left out if, in this list of nicknames that I will never speak aloud, they were not included.
Today Old Bitch yelled across the room at Ayin Bitch in Hebrew, “She [meaning me] can’t fold the small towels with the big towels! Tell her this so she understands!” (Something I already knew.) So Ayin Bitch screamed back, “She already understands! She understands us now!” And Old Bitch yelled, “No, she doesn’t!” And then Old Bitch turns to me to see my response, and I point to my separated pile of small towels to show that I had understood and that I was doing it without her telling me to. The Old Bitch gave me a surprised look so I shot her back a surly look. And then Old Bitch got so angry….oh it was beautiful. Ayin Bitch turned around and smiled at me, and I was so glad that one of these old women was finally nice to me.
Cold Bitch has been even more of a bitch lately because the ulpanist who normally does all her work for her decided he had had enough of working for Cold Bitch and decided to peace out to Netanyah. Cold Bitch was annoyed, and took it out on the Prophetic Bastard by making him do all the work for her.
The Prophetic Bastard is quite nice. On my off days, I go to visit my German friend who works with the Prophetic Bastard, and so now I’ve made a friend with one of the Women of the Wash—though this is actually an Arab Dude of the Wash.
You know what I’ve noticed in this country? Every thing is “Chaval Al Hazman,” which I think is like a “waste of time” or “shame on time” or something. Except they mean it to be a good thing here. The Women of the Wash use the phrase at least fifty times a day to express their delight at doing something (though I can’t imagine what, since they’re folding laundry all day…) Yesterday though, Fat Bitch said something to me about a “Chaval Al Hazman,” and so I just smiled because I figured she was talking about eating Twinkies or cupcakes or something….But she just kept repeating “Chaval Al Hazman.” And finally I realized she was criticizing the way I was folding towels. It turns out that Fat Bitch meant it was LITERALLY a Chaval. Shit. I’m never gonna get used to this. I mean, she said it while smiling, so I figured it was a GOOD Chaval al Hazman. This is so fucking confusing….
Another phrase I don’t understand is “chick chock!” The Women of the Wash, especially
Fat Bitch, use the phrase “chick chock” like they’re being sponsored by the “chick chock” company, and I still cannot understand what the fuck it means.
I had a pile of towels today that I set aside since they were for our soldiers who stay at the kibbutz, and I still have not been told how to put the soldier’s towels away yet. And Fat Bitch was the only Woman of the Wash left in the room, so she came up to me. You have to understand that Fat Bitch does not understand a WORD of English. Okay, maybe a word is stretching it, but basically she knows yes/no/basic greeting. And even then, she sometimes doesn’t even understand that. So Fat Bitch yells at me, “MA ZEH???” So I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Zeh YOUR Ma!” Which I know doesn’t even make sense but it felt SO right! Oh G-d, it was thrilling….the lady had no idea what the hell I talking about and I totally got to say “your mom!” to an old woman without getting in trouble for it. I love this country!
Okay. Now I need to figure out where I want to go to next weekend. I’m thinking either Tiberias or the Golan Heights. Any votes? I’m basically only expecting a response from Abraham (shout out if he’s reading this!) since he’s my only regular response. ☺ (thanks, buddy)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I FOUND AVI
I FOUND AVI! And he was trying to pick me up in a bar in Tel Aviv!
For Yom HaAtzmaut, I went to Tel Aviv with one of the Germans (the one who got Israeli citizenship last week), another American (who got Israeli citizenship last week as well), and my roommate from Chile. Where did we go to celebrate the birth of the one and only Jewish state?
A British Pub.
How ironic is that?
Beforehand, I was walking around with the other American while the German had dinner with his uncle and the Chilean met up with an old friend. The other American kept talking about how Tel Aviv wasn't as cool as New York or Baltimore (of all places!). Whenever we passed a homeless guy, he would fart on him. It was so horrible! He was also so rude and demanding of waitresses and other people, it just sickened me.
We walked along the beach and some Jews for Jesus group was out in full force. One of the ladies whipped out a flyer, and so I whipped out this phrase in Hebrew, "Sorry, I prefer Judaism without Jesus. Thanks." Oh boy, did I get a nasty look!
Anyway, so we eventually all met up in the British pub and stayed there for five hours. I went to the bar to grab another drink, and this weird guy started chatting me up and demanded my number and blahblahblahblah.....I felt really awkward because this sort of thing usually doesn't happen to me and I also really just don't like it when strangers talk to me. Anyway, as it turns out.....I FOUND AVI! This weird guy's name is Avi! I fucking found Avi, the one that all the hairy men in their 20's are looking for! (Mentioned in earlier posts....) I refused to give out my number, but the famous Avi handed me his. So now I have Avi's number. And if I hear any more of those fucking hairy men in their 20's looking for Avi, I'll just be like, "Here is his fucking phone number, give him a call, ask him where the fuck he is, and then just shut up!"
Perhaps the best part about being in Tel Aviv (besides the fact that it was simply a place other than this fucking kibbutz that I am now back on) is that I got to see the naval/air force display. It was seriously the most kickass thing I've ever seen. The beach was absolutely packed with thousands of people on the sand, thousands of people on the street next to the beach, and thousands of people crammed onto hotel balconies overlooking the sea. There were fighter jets and bigass boats and PARATROOPERS! (Edit: I just looked at the news, and it turns out 10 people got injured when a paratrooper landed on them......but since I didn't know that, I think I'm still entitled to enjoy what I saw.) Holy shit, it was the coolest thing I've ever seen! And it was such a great reminder that I'm actually quite proud of this country (as a foreigner am I allowed to be proud of this country? Fuck it, I'm a Jew, this is my country even if I'm foreign.....), and that it's just the KIBBUTZ that is total shit. Don't make fun of me for thinking that a military display can make me love a country again. All I'm saying is that it was exciting and I loved being part of the huge crowd that was proud of its military and country. Whatever.....
I had one bad moment this weekend when I accidentally snapped at my Chilean roommate (as opposed to my Australian roommate, with whom I do not have a language barrier). I don't know exactly how to describe my personality, but I will say that I definitely enjoy some alone time. Even when I'm with other people, I like to have time to myself to just think and observe. I DO NOT like to have to constantly explain things. This is the problem with my Chilean roommate. She understands almost no English, and started Hebrew lessons last week. We have no common language besides a few words in Spanish, English and Hebrew. Because I know more Hebrew and because I understand the world's international language (English.....), she relies on me to explain to her just what the fuck is going on, in terms of buses, daily plans, and basically everything. This is extremely difficult because 1) we have little common vocabulary and 2) I don't always know what is going on. Any basic transfer of information is an ordeal. The Aussie and I wanted to know if the Chilean wanted a shower in the morning, so that we could plan our schedules, so we ask slowly first in English, "Tomorrow do you want to take a shower?" And she responds, "Mah?" So we repeat in simpler English, "Tomorrow you want a shower?" And she has a puzzled look on her face and says, "Mah?" Then, thinking it might help, she says, "Eeeeeh.......medaberet ivrit." So we ask in Hebrew, "Do you want to take a shower?" And she doesn't understand the word "shower" in Hebrew. She says, "Mah 'miklahat?' " So we take her over to the shower and point at it and repeat, "Miklahat." And she gives us a confused expression and shrugs her shoulders and says, "Okay!" And it seems that she's wondering, "Okay, what ABOUT the shower???" So we just give up.
Please don't think that I'm picking on her for not speaking MY language. It's just as difficult when she wants to ask US a question.
Anyway, so yesterday we got to Tel Aviv, and it was a different station than I had been in last time, so I was a little bit confused and turned around. And my roomie starts demanding, "AYFO ANACHNU????" Over and over again. AYFO ANACHNU?!?!?! (Where are we?) And I kept saying, "Ani lo yodaat, ani lo yodaat..." (I don't know....) And she just kept bothering me by demanding to know where we are. And finally in the middle of the station I turned to her and said VERY sharply, though didn't yell, in English, "I. DON'T. KNOW!"
Oh man....I felt so bad afterwards.
Anyway, that was my adventure in Tel Aviv.
For Yom HaAtzmaut, I went to Tel Aviv with one of the Germans (the one who got Israeli citizenship last week), another American (who got Israeli citizenship last week as well), and my roommate from Chile. Where did we go to celebrate the birth of the one and only Jewish state?
A British Pub.
How ironic is that?
Beforehand, I was walking around with the other American while the German had dinner with his uncle and the Chilean met up with an old friend. The other American kept talking about how Tel Aviv wasn't as cool as New York or Baltimore (of all places!). Whenever we passed a homeless guy, he would fart on him. It was so horrible! He was also so rude and demanding of waitresses and other people, it just sickened me.
We walked along the beach and some Jews for Jesus group was out in full force. One of the ladies whipped out a flyer, and so I whipped out this phrase in Hebrew, "Sorry, I prefer Judaism without Jesus. Thanks." Oh boy, did I get a nasty look!
Anyway, so we eventually all met up in the British pub and stayed there for five hours. I went to the bar to grab another drink, and this weird guy started chatting me up and demanded my number and blahblahblahblah.....I felt really awkward because this sort of thing usually doesn't happen to me and I also really just don't like it when strangers talk to me. Anyway, as it turns out.....I FOUND AVI! This weird guy's name is Avi! I fucking found Avi, the one that all the hairy men in their 20's are looking for! (Mentioned in earlier posts....) I refused to give out my number, but the famous Avi handed me his. So now I have Avi's number. And if I hear any more of those fucking hairy men in their 20's looking for Avi, I'll just be like, "Here is his fucking phone number, give him a call, ask him where the fuck he is, and then just shut up!"
Perhaps the best part about being in Tel Aviv (besides the fact that it was simply a place other than this fucking kibbutz that I am now back on) is that I got to see the naval/air force display. It was seriously the most kickass thing I've ever seen. The beach was absolutely packed with thousands of people on the sand, thousands of people on the street next to the beach, and thousands of people crammed onto hotel balconies overlooking the sea. There were fighter jets and bigass boats and PARATROOPERS! (Edit: I just looked at the news, and it turns out 10 people got injured when a paratrooper landed on them......but since I didn't know that, I think I'm still entitled to enjoy what I saw.) Holy shit, it was the coolest thing I've ever seen! And it was such a great reminder that I'm actually quite proud of this country (as a foreigner am I allowed to be proud of this country? Fuck it, I'm a Jew, this is my country even if I'm foreign.....), and that it's just the KIBBUTZ that is total shit. Don't make fun of me for thinking that a military display can make me love a country again. All I'm saying is that it was exciting and I loved being part of the huge crowd that was proud of its military and country. Whatever.....
I had one bad moment this weekend when I accidentally snapped at my Chilean roommate (as opposed to my Australian roommate, with whom I do not have a language barrier). I don't know exactly how to describe my personality, but I will say that I definitely enjoy some alone time. Even when I'm with other people, I like to have time to myself to just think and observe. I DO NOT like to have to constantly explain things. This is the problem with my Chilean roommate. She understands almost no English, and started Hebrew lessons last week. We have no common language besides a few words in Spanish, English and Hebrew. Because I know more Hebrew and because I understand the world's international language (English.....), she relies on me to explain to her just what the fuck is going on, in terms of buses, daily plans, and basically everything. This is extremely difficult because 1) we have little common vocabulary and 2) I don't always know what is going on. Any basic transfer of information is an ordeal. The Aussie and I wanted to know if the Chilean wanted a shower in the morning, so that we could plan our schedules, so we ask slowly first in English, "Tomorrow do you want to take a shower?" And she responds, "Mah?" So we repeat in simpler English, "Tomorrow you want a shower?" And she has a puzzled look on her face and says, "Mah?" Then, thinking it might help, she says, "Eeeeeh.......medaberet ivrit." So we ask in Hebrew, "Do you want to take a shower?" And she doesn't understand the word "shower" in Hebrew. She says, "Mah 'miklahat?' " So we take her over to the shower and point at it and repeat, "Miklahat." And she gives us a confused expression and shrugs her shoulders and says, "Okay!" And it seems that she's wondering, "Okay, what ABOUT the shower???" So we just give up.
Please don't think that I'm picking on her for not speaking MY language. It's just as difficult when she wants to ask US a question.
Anyway, so yesterday we got to Tel Aviv, and it was a different station than I had been in last time, so I was a little bit confused and turned around. And my roomie starts demanding, "AYFO ANACHNU????" Over and over again. AYFO ANACHNU?!?!?! (Where are we?) And I kept saying, "Ani lo yodaat, ani lo yodaat..." (I don't know....) And she just kept bothering me by demanding to know where we are. And finally in the middle of the station I turned to her and said VERY sharply, though didn't yell, in English, "I. DON'T. KNOW!"
Oh man....I felt so bad afterwards.
Anyway, that was my adventure in Tel Aviv.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
What do you mean, "This isn't The Talmud" ????
I think the ulpan director told the Women of the Wash that I didn’t want to work there. Which is pretty shitty of him, when you consider that I am not allowed to change jobs. Actually, that’s not just “pretty shitty,” that’s fucking awful of him. So basically now the women hate me even more. And they talked about me even more today, as if I were not there. Eventually I just convinced myself that “Samantha” (pronounced "SemenTAH") was the Hebrew word for “complete badass mo-fo,” and I felt a little better.
The Women of the Wash can’t make up their minds about how they want me folding things. One of the women insists that I do it X way, and then when I do it X way a different woman runs up to me and yells at me to do it in Y way. I do it Y way, and then the supporter of X gets pissed off. Today the X-supporter and the Y-supporter got into a fight in Hebrew, right in front of me, about how I should be folding. Both claimed that I was terrible at folding the other way, and that their way would make me faster and neater.
You know what? In Hebrew class they tell us we’re learning words that we’ll need to know if we live in Israel. We learn how to say terrorist attack and we learn all the names of Israel’s wars in Hebrew, but they don’t tell us the most important phrase. Ech omrim, “Make up your rancid cow-bitch fucking minds about how I should fold these fucking t-shirts!” ? Does anybody familiar with Hebrew want to help me out on that?
I mean, this isn’t The Talmud, where there are multiple, equally valid opinions from different sages that ALL need to be preserved. This isn’t a fucking Beit Midrash. This is a fucking Laundromat. Just tell me ONE ABSOLUTE WAY to fold these fucking towels, and then leave me the fuck alone.
Woman Y is constantly coming over to provide helpful “tips,” which are actually requirements that slow me down and make my work harder and messier. She says, “This works for me and it might work for you.” Well, it doesn’t fucking work for me. But when I do it in a way that DOES work for me, she comes over and I get a whole lecture about how we need to “l’kapel KACHHHHHHAAAAA. V’AZ KACHHHHHHHHHAAAA!” She has one of the most disgusting chet/chaf noises I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I mean, I normally think the chet/chaf is a pretty kickass noise, and I wish English had a noise like it--but this woman makes it sound like a 72 ounce steak is stuck in her throat or something. Anyway, she’s constantly in my face because she can’t just mind her own work for two fucking seconds. All she does all day is sit on her fat ass, smoke, bother me, and hack like a hag because of her smoking. NEVER do I see her doing her own work. Today I just wanted to tell her, “Bitch, you come over here one more time and I’ll smack you all the way into Syria…”
Oh well. Right now I’m off to Tel Aviv. I’ll be there for Yom HaAtzmaut. It will be fun I think….a nice break from folding towels.
The Women of the Wash can’t make up their minds about how they want me folding things. One of the women insists that I do it X way, and then when I do it X way a different woman runs up to me and yells at me to do it in Y way. I do it Y way, and then the supporter of X gets pissed off. Today the X-supporter and the Y-supporter got into a fight in Hebrew, right in front of me, about how I should be folding. Both claimed that I was terrible at folding the other way, and that their way would make me faster and neater.
You know what? In Hebrew class they tell us we’re learning words that we’ll need to know if we live in Israel. We learn how to say terrorist attack and we learn all the names of Israel’s wars in Hebrew, but they don’t tell us the most important phrase. Ech omrim, “Make up your rancid cow-bitch fucking minds about how I should fold these fucking t-shirts!” ? Does anybody familiar with Hebrew want to help me out on that?
I mean, this isn’t The Talmud, where there are multiple, equally valid opinions from different sages that ALL need to be preserved. This isn’t a fucking Beit Midrash. This is a fucking Laundromat. Just tell me ONE ABSOLUTE WAY to fold these fucking towels, and then leave me the fuck alone.
Woman Y is constantly coming over to provide helpful “tips,” which are actually requirements that slow me down and make my work harder and messier. She says, “This works for me and it might work for you.” Well, it doesn’t fucking work for me. But when I do it in a way that DOES work for me, she comes over and I get a whole lecture about how we need to “l’kapel KACHHHHHHAAAAA. V’AZ KACHHHHHHHHHAAAA!” She has one of the most disgusting chet/chaf noises I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I mean, I normally think the chet/chaf is a pretty kickass noise, and I wish English had a noise like it--but this woman makes it sound like a 72 ounce steak is stuck in her throat or something. Anyway, she’s constantly in my face because she can’t just mind her own work for two fucking seconds. All she does all day is sit on her fat ass, smoke, bother me, and hack like a hag because of her smoking. NEVER do I see her doing her own work. Today I just wanted to tell her, “Bitch, you come over here one more time and I’ll smack you all the way into Syria…”
Oh well. Right now I’m off to Tel Aviv. I’ll be there for Yom HaAtzmaut. It will be fun I think….a nice break from folding towels.
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