Today I felt Israeli.

Today in the laundry room I had a wonderful moment where I just loved this country. I was folding laundry when the song "I will always love you" came on the radio. And I was really excited, because it was one of hte first songs I've heard on this radio station that was actually in English. I looked around and noticed that the women of the wash were kind of humming along, but most of the words were giving them difficulty (besides the chorus, which EVERYONE knows). And I thought of how the women try to out-diva each other whenever a familiar Hebrew song comes on the radio. And I thought, this is my moment.

So I started singing. I started singing "I will always love you." In the middle of the laundry room. I didn't belt it as loud as I wanted to, but it was DEFINITELY audible and I definitely sang with emotion. Simply because I was the only one in the room who could easily handle the English lyrics, I out-diva-ed EVERYONE.

And you know what the miraculous thing is? No one gave me a funny look. Not a SINGLE person in the room thought it was bizarre that I was singing loudly to a ridiculously emotional, almost hilariously over-the-top, song. No one even batted an eye.

I fucking love the laundry room. And I fucking love this country.



Today two friends visited me during work when all my coworkers were on their two hour breakfast break. After I told them where my coworkers were, the chubby German kid says in his ridiculous accent, "They take two hours breakfast?? I vould be dancing nekkid on zeh tables!!!" So I'm actually considering doing that on Tuesday....

People keep telling me that the behavior of the women in the laundry room is simply due to the fact that most of the women are 'sabras' or sabra wannabes. No. There is a difference between being a sabra and being a bitch. Okay?

Today I found out that Cold Bitch (daughter of Crazy Bitch) has a daughter. My immediate reaction was, "Someone actually had SEX with this woman??? Jesus, that's further proof that there's someone out there for EVERYONE!" Cold Bitch's daughter is henceforth to be referred to as Lil BIT--Little Bitch in Training.

Today I heard a lot of military copters and shit flying over the kibbutz. And I kept praying, "Please, G-d. Please let them bomb this hell-hole of a kibbutz." When I am Prime Minister (don't laugh, assholes!), my first order will be to raze this kibbutz to the ground and salt the earth.

Applying the "Chaval Al Hazman" principle I learned earlier (that as long as the person saying something you don't understand is smiling, you will assume it's a good or a harmless thing), I have started messing with Fat Bitch. When the other women leave the room, I strike up a conversation in Hebrew. And we're friendly and we chat. Then I pretend that I can't quite figure out how to say something in Hebrew, so I look at her and smile a sweet, sincere-looking smile, and I say something like, "I'm gonna draw on you with a Sharpie." She doesn't understand English and since I'm smiling, she assumes that I"m saying something sweet, so she just smiles back. Oh goodness, it's so fun.

I have to tell you about how Astrology Bitch told me that "Zionism is just about wanting to speak our own language."

My job is so worthless. At least with other jobs, you can wake up and be like, "wow, people NEED me today." When I wake up in the morning, it's hard to seriously think to myself, "Wow, if I didn't go to work today, peoples' clothing on this kibbutz would be even WRINKLIER!"

My mom is telling me that she wants me to study in Jerusalem after ulpan here rather than Haifa (and Tel Aviv is out of the question!) because "Haifa is just too close to Lebanon!" I want to tell her, "This is Israel. EVERYTHING is too close to EVERYTHING!" I mean, Jerusalem is practically in the West Bank! Oh mother....

I'm thinking of calling my job either "Garment Restoration," "Garment Maintenance" or, my personal favorite, "Aquatic Activity Anti-Hydration Apparatus Technician" (which basically amounts to towel folder).

Today my Hebrew teacher came in to pick up her laundry. she knows damn well that I hate my job, and she asks me, "Mah shlomech?" And I wanted to be like, "how the fuck do you THINK it is, bitch? I'm fucking folding towels all day!" But instead I just said, "B'seder."



I feel bad because my country music plug suggests that I don't like the music in this country. Not true! So in addition to "Country Music Shabbat," we'll be having "Israeli Music Sunday!" Today's song is a great song that I listen to basically every day in the laundry room.