Pudding.

Day 3 in Israel, I’m getting used to being sweaty all the time from this humidity. Actually, I kind of enjoy it. I mean, I just put on a light t-shirt and hope to G-d my deodorant holds up, and I’m set. None of this layering clothing crap like in Chicago.

Today a woman on the street handed me a pamphlet, and I smiled and took it. I walked away reading it—and realized (very slowly, since it was in Hebrew) that the JEWS FOR JESUS were in Israel now! I never let these people hand me shit without a fight, so I ran up to the lady, who at this point was well down the block, and shoved the pamphlet back in her face. She looked surprised and asked what’s wrong, so I pointed my finger at her in a confrontational way and said very firmly in my terrible Hebrew, “I did not come to the land of the Jews in order to be a Christian!” And then I marched away. Oh damn, did it feel good….

I’ve turned into such a badass!


Anyway, here are some more Israeli things I don’t understand:

I don’t understand the TV show “Mah Kashur.” One, I don’t like one of the guys. I think his name is Zion? His voice just annoys me, and I hate his haircut and clothing…… So basically I think I just encountered my first Israeli arch-enemy. Two, I don’t understand why they invite musicians to the show, only so that the three of them end up singing with the musicians.

Why is there so much pudding in the supermarkets here? I have seriously never seen so much pudding in my entire life. I mean, pudding is wonderful, but do you need entire sections of a supermarket devoted to pudding? I feel that the space allotted for pudding versus food other than pudding in Israeli supermarkets is not directly proportional to my love of pudding versus my love of other foods. And, I mean, I love pudding. But I’m okay with say 5 varieties, rather than 500.
And in addition to pudding, there is a shit ton of yogurt. People here must eat pudding and yogurt like it’s their job or something…

And you thought the staple of the Israeli diet was hummus...


I’m told that a great time here is literally a “waste of time,” and that something that’s excellent (like a great steak) can be a “son of a whore.” While in the Dizengoff Center (which was packed with people) I tried to invent my own slang in the same style. You know, say something kind of horrible or untrue or offensive to describe something that’s excellent. The best I could come up with was (due to the packed, but extremely fun, nature of the Dizengoff Center) “The party was a suicide bomb waiting to happen!” Oh man….maybe that’s inappropriate. Too soon? But I feel entitled to say horrible stuff like that because I’m throwing my lot in with Israel. So there.

Why is the word “elephant” among my very limited Hebrew vocabulary? How useful is that word going to be here?