DOES ISRAEL HAVE DIARRHEA—AND AM I A VICTIM OF IT?

You can tell I’m sad cos I’m listening to Wings. Sing it, Paul! And I’m also listening to Christian rock….

We’ve moved past saying “Eff.” We’re way beyond that. Hell, we’re even beyond plain ol’ “fuck” territory, but I can’t think of a word stronger than that. Let’s try

Cunt-bitch-fuck-face-shit-mother-fucking-ass-wipe-cock-sucking-slut.

(That should get this blog some interesting visitors from Google search….)

Basically I’m fucked because I don’t have a job or anywhere to stay past September, and it is too late to get citizenship worked out for afterwards—I’d be unemployed for a for a little while without money or whatever.

I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be in Israel. Between 2006 and now, I can’t even tell you how many office errors, missing documents, power outages, whatevers have happened that have prevented me or have greatly hindered my plans to stay in Israel.

What happened today? Well, you know how I got jabbed by needles 4 times for blood tests? Once at the Lishkat Giyus and thrice at the kibbutz?

Well today I got a letter from the Lishkat Giyus, and I got all excited. It had a date in August on it!!! Aaaaaaa! I asked an Israeli for help in understanding exactly what I had to do…..and he told me that I had to go to the Lishkat Giyus at the end of August---to get more medical tests done.

We found this confusing, given that we had already given them the results that they asked for. So we did some research.

The fucking kibbutz. This fucking kibbutz, which I will one day burn to the ground and salt its earth, this fucking kibbutz’s health clinic didn’t send the fucking results. I got poked with a needle three times, I still have a disgusting enormous bruise from one, and it didn’t even count for it. I am so angry at this kibbutz because it’s already shat on me countless times, but this really takes the cake because this has really fucked me over.

We got the results on paper—they had LOST them at the health clinic, and we had to spend like 20 minutes combing the reception area--and we are faxing them over to the Lishkat Giyus. But I don’t know yet if I can still join the army for the August enlistment date, because even after we send the results, the army might want to do their own tests just because we were so irresponsible the first time, or since it’s already on their computer that they don’t have my results.

Fuck fuck fuck. You know when the next enlistment date is for my program? March. It’s either August works, or March. And I am not allowed to get work with my visa. So I’m fucked. And I know that if I get stuck with the March enlistment and they let me go back to the US for a while….I ain’t coming back! If they want me to go back to Israel after going back to my family (who I haven’t seen since April….and some of whom I haven’t seen since January), then they will have to come and pry my arms off of my parents. My point is….well, to quote the country song that I shared a couple months ago: “If you’re going through Hell, keep on going.” The song is not “If you’re going through Hell, leave for a bit and then voluntarily put yourself back at the entrance to Hell again so that you can go through it all over again.”


Frankly, at this point, I’m fine with just going back to the US and living among people that will always think of me as “The Jew.” I don’t mind dealing with the occasional attacks on synagogues and Jewish centers, and I don’t care that I’ll always have some Christian at university trying to convert me. I don’t give a shit that my not being in Israel might delay/speed/cancel/(whatever the fuck different Jewish groups believe) the coming of the Messiah. I honestly do not give a flying fuck at this point. I honestly don’t give a shit, as long as I never again have to deal with places like kibbutz health clinics, the Lishkat Giyus and the Misrad Hapnim.

Holy fucking shit though, do I hate this kibbutz. It’s bad enough being housed in Oliver Twist’s tool shed, and having the world’s worst job with some of the world’s worst co-workers, being surrounded by horrible kibbutznik people, and on top of that PAYING for the “privilege” to be here…….but the ONE thing they had to do to let me get off of this place without problems was to fax that fucking form, and they couldn’t even do that for me. Hell, they couldn’t even remember where they put the fucking test results, so how the fuck were they gonna fax it?
I just feel so fucking shat on by this kibbutz, and also I feel really completely SHAT on by the people of Israel who are NOT on the kibbutz, and in general I feel like the State of Israel pulled down her pants and took a huge, t-rex sized shit on my head.

It’s great. All I wanted was to come to a country that I thought I loved, and I wanted to contribute something good to it, and I wanted to learn everything about it and I wanted to join its army, and…. My point is that I had nothing but good intentions for coming here. And in return the country thanks me by letting me feel constantly scared and alone and confused. Thanks buddy. I’ll remember that.

Last night I was talking to a friend who is an oleh, and he said to me, “I don’t think anyone in the country has said to me yet, ‘Welcome to Israel.’ Not on the kibbutz, not off the kibbutz. Before I left, people kept telling me that we Jews are really hospitable and welcoming. If that’s true, why hasn’t anyone said welcome and why does everyone treat us like unwelcome idiots?” I joked with him that I’m sure there must have been a sign somewhere in the airport that said “WELCOME TO ISRAEL,” but in all seriousness I agree with the sentiment. When I was five years old my family moved, and I remember that on the day we moved in ALL of our neighbors came over (they also all happen to be Christian….not Jews who are apparently known for being welcoming) to meet us and bring us cookies, cakes and conversation. (Nice alliteration…). And on that day, I met one of my oldest friends, a girl whose house I basically lived at when I was growing up and whose family I saw more than my own family. (They happen to be Atheist/Christian and totally anti-Israel but that’s a different story).

I’m not saying the kibbutz and the State of Israel needed to come to all of us who had chosen to try to live here and give us sweets…. But people could have at least tried to not make us feel like our presence was a burden. Like they regretted our arrival. I’m not exaggerating when I say this: I feel like almost everyone in Israel is pissed off with me (and with the olim I’m in ulpan with) for coming to Israel.

All I know is that back in the US, I was “The Jew” or “Sam, my Jewish Friend” or whatever to many Americans—many of whom I consider friends—but that I still felt more welcome and loved by that country than I do in this country, where I’m not weird for being “The Jew.” I’m beginning to think it wouldn’t be so bad to be “The Jew” for the rest of my life.
Wanna hear something extreme? Last summer I was in Dresden, Germany. There was a huge neo-Nazi rally while I was there. And I STILL felt more welcome in that city than I have felt here in Israel.

Fuck, I have to stop complaining so much. That’s the problem with this blog. All this shit I’m saying on this blog? The vast majority of it will never be said out loud by me. I’ve been trying so hard to be cooperative and positive in the real world, because I thought that might help, but I’m beginning to see that it doesn’t make the slightest fucking difference. Maybe I should try only putting positive things in the blog and then out loud I’ll say all the negative shit. Maybe that will work better.



In spite of all this, I still have that little voice in my head saying, “No no, you need to stay!” I don’t know why. Maybe the voice is my head just loves getting the (figurative) shit beaten out of it.

I think part of all this sudden “I hate this country”-ness is just cos I’m scared. I’m really scared. I was talking to a friend, and I was saying, “What am I going to do while I get things sorted out?” and the friend was like, “Well, my enlistment date got postponed and so I’m planning on just staying at my grandparents’ house, so you should do something like that—oh…..oh….right.”

This experience has been a horrible realization of how fucking stupid I am for being idealistic. Before coming here and in the early days, people used to give me a funny look and ask, “Let me get this straight: you have NO friends, and NO family in that country….and yet you’re moving there???” And I didn’t understand what could be so scary about that. I just replied, “Well, I’m a Zionist, so I’m gonna go live in Israel. So what?” My whole life, things have always been so plain and simple to me: you do what you believe. Practice what you preach. Blah blah blah. Well, now I’m here, and now I know what’s scary about that and why people questioned my coming here even when they knew that I felt strongly about Zionism.