West Coast Represent.

If you know me, you probably know that I hate New York. I hate New York with a firey passion that consumes my soul. I just fucking hate it. Why? New Yorkers.

Today some fucking New Yorker waas in the laundry room. She’s the visiting sister of one of the immigrants who lives on the kibbutz. She decided to come in and work for the day to see what it’s like.

She had that G-d awful New York accent, and despite the fact that she was at least 55 she wore short shorts. Her outfit looked like she was attempting to dress like a kibbutznik, except she clearly hasn’t spent much time on a kibbutz—if you lived on a kibbutz, you’d know that everyone wears Mom Jeans and shirts with shoulder pads and numerous holes and paint stains. Yet that wouldn’t be trendy enough for this New Yorker.

I’m introduced as another American, and she asks where I’m from. “Los Angeles,” I tell her. She then asks the most annoying question in the world, which is, “Do you actually live in Los Angeles?” And I want to be like, “Yes, I actually fucking live in the city I just said I live in, what a crazy concept, you rancid bitch.” But instead I just smiled sweetly and said, “Yes, if you were to send me a postcard you’d write Los Angeles in the address.” (I’ve noticed that a common theme with me is “smiling sweetly” but thinking something violent and horrible at the same time.)

She then immediately asks if I went to public or private school. I told her I went to private school, and she made some sort of smug gesture and made some sort of rude comment about my family’s financial situation, which really pissed me off. “What’s the matter with that? It was a huge financial burden on my parents, but it was really important to them that my brothers and I got the best education we could possibly afford.” She then talked about how, even though she could afford to send her children to private school, she chose to send them to public school as a political statement. Clearly, the reason she immediately asked what kind of school I went to was so that she could brag about how politically hip she is. Normally I wouldn’t be so bold, but this bitch was from New York and was as smug as hell, so I asked her why she chose to sacrifice her children’s education when, as she said, she had more than enough money to send them to incredible schools. She repeated that it was a political statement and gave a little flip of her frizzy gray hair and returned to towel folding. So I looked down at my own work and said in the sweetest way with an innocent smile, “Oh, that’s really interesting…I didn’t realize a child was a medium for political statements.” And oh G-d, how that New Yorker bitch turned bright red!!!

Later on, Astrology Bitch asked why this New Yorker hadn’t made aliyah. And the New Yorker did the traditional hemming and hawing of Jews who are too embarrassed to admit that they don’t want to leave their cushy lifestyle in the US. Finally, she put on this arrogant expression and said, “Well, my family has lived in the US since the turn of the century, sooooooooo….” She said it as if she deserved a fucking medal for it. Astrology Bitch began to say, “Oh…” and kind of give up, but I suddenly realized that I had said a similar thing before. I realized that I had used the same excuse before (as an excuse for wanting to go back to the US), and I realized that it sounded ridiculous. So I turned to the lady with a big ol’ American smile on my face, and I said, “My family’s been in the US for over 300 years….and here I am. An American Jew. Not in America. In Israel.” I smiled and gave a shrug. Astrology Bitch laughed and clapped her hands in amusement, whereas the New Yorker’s jaw just dropped.
She said, “That’s not even possible! Have there even been Jews in the US for that long?”

So I said, “See, that’s the funny thing about my family: my dad’s side isn’t Jewish. Yet here I am!”

“Ah, I get it,” she said, “You’re only half-Jewish.” She said it with disgust in her voice, like somehow having one more Jewish parent than me made her better.

Oh G-d. That statement is like my INCREDIBLE HULK trigger. It’s like calling Marty McFly from “Back to the Future” “chicken.” I can question whether or not I’m “fully Jewish” (whatever the hell that means) as much as I want, but if any other Jew dares to even suggest that I’m not as Jewish as them….oh Jesus. G-d help them!

I don’t normally like to question other people’s Jewish-ness, but this lady had it coming. So I said to her, “And you’re a full Jew, you would say?” She gave this arrogant nod and looked around as if expecting applause.

So I leaned towards her on my work table, laced my fingers together and held them under my chin as if deeply fascinated by what this woman had to say. I said to her, “See, I find this VERY interesting. Because how I see it is that there are two people in this room: one is learning Hebrew, the other hasn’t bothered to learn any Hebrew at all, one has tried to learn Jewish history and literature on her own, while the other has absolutely no interest in that, one has given up her life in America to live among Jews, while the other enjoys a cushy lifestyle in Manhattan because she doesn’t give a damn what happens to the Jewish nation. Now take that in, and then tell me again who’s the Half-Jew and who’s the Full-Jew.”

There was this horrible silence in the room as the New Yorker bitch turned towards her immigrant sister with this indignant look on her face. The immigrant sister just looked down at her work and said nothing, because there’s nothing to say. I looked towards Astrology Bitch for approval, and she gave me a huge smile and whispered, “Col HaCavod.”


I realized that I question myself and criticize myself in ways that I would not for a second tolerate from other people. Like the whole "I'm not Jewish enough to live in Israel thing" that I have been going through. When I hear from the mouth of another Jew that I'm not as Jewish as she is though, I realize what a fucking ridiculous statement that is, and how ridiculous I personally am.


Seriously though, what the fuck is this, Harry Potter? Enough of this blood shit.