At Yafa

So it’s Monday. Shit, no it’s not. It’s Sunday. I’m still not used to this whole working on Sunday thing…. So it’s SUNDAY. Time for some Israeli Music. At Yafa by Idan Yaniv



Anyway……

Breaking News: The 80’s are not dead—they’ve just come to this kibbutz.

Also, I realized something today. So many of the Jewish girls in ulpan are crazy for Arab men (I mean, what nice Jewish girl DOESN’T want an Arab man???), and there is SO much tension. The Jewish boys in ulpan are angry because they feel they should get first dibs on the Jewish girls, the Arab boys who work on the kibbutz are angry because they know in the long run they can’t have the Jewish girls, and there is TENSION. When it comes down to it, maybe the conflict between Jews/Arabs is about sexual tension. I think that’ll be my platform when I run for Prime Minister of Israel. That and torching/salting the grounds of this kibbutz.

.I’m prolly not gonna get elected. …

I realized one more thing: if I have to fold one more halter-top meant for a baby/toddler I am going to scream. Seriously, I can’t tell you how many low-cut halter-tops (meant to emphasize cleavage—but what infant has boobage???) I’ve had to fold. Maybe you’ll feed me some bullshit about how “Oh, well, in Israel it’s a hotter climate so babies need to be wearing that sort of thing” or how “Well, you have to respect different cultures.” No. Babies should not be in halter-tops. I’m sorry. It’s weird. It’s really fucking weird.

So today during work I had nothing to do and Crazy Bitch asked me in Hebrew, “Do you want to fold towels?”
Hmmm. Let’s think about it. I can think of thousands of things I want: I want peace. I want a Region 2 DVD player. I want my former friend to stop making fun of me in public. I really want to take a pee right now. I want to not be in this room right now. I want my family to come visit me soon. Want want want, there is so much I want. But no, among all those wants, I do NOT want to fold more fucking towels!!!

But does anybody? Does Crazy Bitch come into work WANTING to fold towels? Does she think to herself, “Aw shit son, I am the luckiest Crazy Bitch on the planet because I get to do what I’ve always wanted to do—fold towels! And not only do I get to do it today, but I’ll get to do it tomorrow and for the rest of my life!!!”


Today all the Women of the Wash had an argument over how to say “Samantha” properly. Yet all of them were wrong. The entire room was consumed with Hebrew shouts of:
“No, it’s ‘SaaaamaaaaaaanTAAAAA.’”
“No, listen, it’s ‘SamonTah!’”
“No, that’s not right, it’s ‘SmanTah,’ like ‘Smadar’”

Most of the arguments settled around the whole issue of vowel pronunciation, and no one even bothered to address the whole “th” issue that’s present in my name…

I let out a weak, “Um, it’s actually ‘Samantha….’” But no one was listening because they were too busy telling me how my own name is pronounced. I wanted to tell them they could call me something easier to pronounce like Sam or Sammy, like my ulpan teacher does (who, ironically, can pronounce “Samantha” just fine), but it’s more fun this way.

You know, when you get Israeli citizenship you get one free name change. I think I’m gonna change my name to something that everyone here will be able to pronounce. Like maybe the letter Shin. My name will simply be: ש.
That’d be so sweet. It’d be like I was Cher or something, except even more pretentious.

I don’t understand the people who don’t take up the government’s offer on a free name change, like the person I hit. Sure, his original name is fine enough, but he could have been anything and anybody! He could have been “Pimp McMacDaddy.”
I mean, how could you throw away an opportunity like that?


You know, the Arabs here don’t have this problem because they have a “th” noise…