As embarrassing as this is to admit (okay, it's not too embarrassing since only like two people are reading this), the first time I left LA for what I knew would be a long period of time, I cried. I was on the plane to Chicago as I was about to move into my dorm during freshman year, and the plane was taking off, and I saw LA getting smaller and smaller as we ascended--and I just lost it.
After the seder tonight I was thinking about that moment. Tonight I went upstairs to give the adults some time for some "big people talk" (I was the only one under 50 at the table), and I was just looking out the windows of our house. And this is my favorite thing to do. I love that you can see downtown from our windows. When I was little I used to pretend that the library tower was actually an enormous robot that came to life when everyone was asleep. In the middle of the night, sometimes I would wake up and rush to my window to make sure the library tower was still just a tower, not a robot, and I was always simultaneously disappointed and relieved when nothing happened, as it always did.
From our windows, you can see the Sunset Strip. With binoculars, you can even see large pictures on billboards. When I was little I liked imagining all the parties that would be going on over there.
I used to always want to be a filmmaker. I used to brag to anyone who would listen that my bedroom window, and my bedroom window ONLY, had a vew of the Hollywood sign off in the distance. When I was little I showed it to any guest who ever entered the house, and I repeated endlessly, "See, I'm supposed to be a filmmaker!" I used to sit around and watch Fox tape TV episodes in my neighborhood--I would just sit there for hours and hours, till my butt got numb....but it never got old.
I don't know. I can't say that I'd want to stay in LA forever. For one thing, the vast majority of my friends no longer live here, except when they are home on breaks. But after being home from the midwest for four weeks now as I gear up to leave for Israel, I know it's certainly going to be a lot harder to leave it on Tuesday. I've been trying to remind myself of how I felt the first time I ever saw Israel. (Actually, I try to remind myself of that whenever I get scared or whatever about my coming move.) When our plane was coming in to land from Istanbul to Tel Aviv, and all of the sudden--Land Ho! And I remember completely losing control. My legs flew out and accidentally kicked the seat in front of me, my entire body started shaking worse than my grandma's hand when she holds a fork (okay, perhaps an inappropriate comparison), and I let fly a hearty, "HOLY SHIT!" (No, Sam. "Holy LAND.") And I fidgeted non-stop until we landed, at which point me and the rabbi burst into applause. I was like, Oh my G-d, should we sing something??? Once we got off the plane, I wanted to kiss everything. I was just so friggin' happy to be there.
On the other hand, when I come back to LA, I do fidget with happiness as we are about to land and I always look forward to seeing my family on the other side.....but I can't say that it's the same thing.
Los Angeles will always be a place of fond nostalgia, but I think at this point it is only nostalgia. And I think I'd rather be somewhere where I'm looking forward to the future, about what CAN be, rather than how things used to be when I was little. I think it'll be good to be somewhere where I'm happy for what it IS, rather than how it was.
Please excuse my rambling..... I'm about to fall into a matzo ball-induced coma, AND I'm legit sick.
1 comment:
Oh man you're taking me back to 8 months ago! I had all those feelings, not quite as intensely as you with the whole seeing Israel thing (also a big deal for me, but not quite as...dramatic). But yeah, the whole thoughts about home versus Israel and so on...
Normal. I was very unhappy the first month I was here, too, because I was just thinking about Virginia all the time. Once I got over that, it's much better. Gotta live in the present!
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