I hate Israel already—and I’m not even there yet!

So I’m still in Los Angeles, but I’m trying to prepare things for when I finally get to Israel. Tonight I called the Misrad Hapnim in Beit Shemesh to arrange an appointment. I got their number, went through all the trouble of figuring out how to place an international call to Israel, and even prepared a few sentences in Hebrew (“Do you speak English?” in Hebrew and, if that failed, “Is there someone in the office that speaks English?”). I sat by my phone and had a Jewish calendar in front of me, and I was READY.

So I dial the number of the Beit Shemesh office. And---Oh. Jesus. Hank. Christ. There’s no person on the other end. Just a robot. And the robot launches into this LONG speech in Hebrew. The robot does not give one flying fuck that all I can understand in this rapid speech are the words “Beit Shemesh” and “Misrad Hapnim.” Suddenly the robot starts saying random numbers (I’m guessing it’s an extension or something…..you dial it if you know what you’re doing, which I clearly don’t), and I start panicking. I tried to write the numbers down, but it was moving too fast and it was terrifying. The robot says a few more things and then suddenly the robot cuts out—

And Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer” plays.

My brother played this song NON-STOP on the piano when we were younger. When I imagine Hell, Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer” always factors into my vision, without fail. And, oh no, this wasn’t just a proper version of “The Entertainer.” This was like the kind that is pre-programmed into little kids’ electronic keyboards from the late 80’s. This was like a poor quality MIDI version, combined with obnoxious charm of merry-go-round music. The music was annoying, but I assumed it was just hold music. Surely a REAL person would rescue me eventually. And just when I could take this bastardized version of Scott Joplin no longer, a voice came to my rescue—

Oh shit, it’s the robot again!

Yes, the robot launched into the exact same spiel. My heart fluttered with happiness every time I heard a word I understood (again, I only understood Beit Shemesh and Misrad Hapnim), but mostly I just panicked even more. The robot finished and—

Crap, STILL Scott Joplin? Really? It’s STILL playing?

Finally the robot came back, but by this point I had given up on trying to understand what she was saying, and I just kept praying and praying that a real person would finally pick up and that I wasn’t stuck in this horrible Hold Limbo.

But then Scott Joplin came back.

Now this happened for a few more robot-Joplin cycles, and finally I realized that no person was going to pick up and that the song would ALWAYS be “The Entertainer.” Finally I hung up, about ready to cry.

I felt defeated, but then I thought, “What would Ari Ben Canaan do?” Well, he’d probably be a badass. So I too would be a badass! And what did this badass do? She called the Jerusalem branch of the misrad hapnim! Word!

So I dial and wait.

And there’s yet another robot. This time with an even LONGER Hebrew speech. And all I understood was “Jerusalem” “Misrad Hapnim” and a bunch of random numbers that I couldn’t do anything with. I braced myself for the grating hold music, but none came. Just silence. I thought this was a blessing, but then I realized that the message wasn’t coming back. Perhaps I had been cut off! I had missed my chance! So I let out a hearty,

“SHIT!”

And suddenly the robot came back. There was a quick, “Todah [Thanks]!” Followed by a quick word I didn’t undestand. And then a click. I had been disconnected.

WHY DO THEY MAKE THIS SO FRIGGIN’ HARD?!?!?!