Yerushalayim!

Sorry for the epicness of this post:


Well, today in Jerusalem, hairy young men were STILL looking for Avi…

Today I took a 6.20 am bus out to Jerusalem, because I woke up while it was still very dark out and had nothing better to do.

From the central station I decided to walk to the Old City and have a look around. There was some homeless guy sitting on a bench on Ben Yehuda street, repeating over and over again, “Shekelllllllll…..shekelllllllllllll……..shekellllllllll…….” He’d stop for a moment, then continue unexpectedly with, “Shekellllllll………” Finally someone from a window overlooking the street called out, as if he were bargaining, “HETZI SHEKEL!!!” and I couldn’t stop laughing, which was probably horrible of me, but there we are.

Before I tell you what happened once I got to the Old City, let me tell you what I was wearing. Jeans (loose, as is usual for me) and a short sleeve t-shirt. Nothing too scandalous, but even so I decided I wouldn’t actually go to the Kotel today because I didn’t feel like what I was wearing was appropriate for THAT purpose. But, I mean, come on…..I thought I was not a walking scandal.

But OH! How wrong I was! Of course, the Haredim were out in full gear. I’m sorry, but when the world is so hot that it feels like a giant outdoor sweaty ass crack, you do NOT need to be wearing a fucking coat and fur hat. We left Eastern Europe for a reason, people! It pissed me off to see little girls in long skirts and thick tights. So angry, in fact, that I wanted to take off all of my clothing and scream, “Will you people just get nekkid already????”

Anyway, I finally got into the Old City and I saw a little haredi boy lagging behind his family. As the two of us neared each other, he prepared a huge loogie in his throat. And then as we passed……
DID THAT LITTLE BOY JUST SPIT ON ME???

The little boy, completely unapologetically, hocked up a huge loogie on my arm. Totally on purpose. Now, what did I do to this kid? Nothing. Something about the way I looked pissed off this kid, because the only interaction I had with this kid was him seeing me. So either 1) He thought I looked Jewish and he hates Jews—oh wait, shit, I’m in Israel. Never mind. Or 2) He thought I looked Christian, as many people have thought, and that pissed him off. OR, and this is what I think is what happened, 3) he thought I was dressed like a tramp.

Anyway, today was a huge day of getting yelled at in Hebrew. I do understand quite a bit of Hebrew, but many things I don’t. I decided that since I didn’t want people to realize that I could understand English (which would make them switch to English), my goal was to just keep my mouth shut and not let people on that I speak Hebrew with a ridiculous American accent. This meant a lot of facial expressions and nods of the head to indicate to people that I was listening to what they were saying but that I was too cool to use words. I just decided to be a quiet, aloof person. Perhaps the most ridiculous instance of this was in the train station. This guy in the security line cut me, and I was NOT in the mood to fight him, so I just backed out of the way. What I didn’t realize was that there was a second security guy on the other side of the metal detector…. And said security guard started yelling at me in Hebrew, but I didn’t understand because his yelling made me feel a bit panicked. First I didn’t know if he was talking to me or not (I noticed that I frequently don't know if people are actually addressing me when they speak in Hebrew), and then I couldn’t figure out what he wanted me to do. He had a weird kind of table in front of him, so I’m not sure I was supposed to give him my purse or just the other security guard. So I just kind of stood there and tried to be out of the way. And the guard starts yelling about different things. So I realized that I could give him my bag, so I went through. And afterwards he laughs and says to me in Hebrew, “What, did you need me to explain something??!??!?!” As if that were just the craziest concept in the world, because I CERTAINLY understand everything anyone yells at me in Hebrew.

I wanted to yell, “YES! You DO need to fucking explain things to me, because your offer of explanation was the first sentence I understood in this whole exchange!”

Instead of having a break down, I decided to be a total badass and play off my weird behavior not as the behavior of a stupid newbie but as the behavior of Israel’s coolest woman.

So instead I just rolled my eyes and tried to give my best look that said, “I’m just too fucking cool to go through security when you tell me to. I go on my OWN time, baby.” And I walked away with the most confident walk I could muster, copying the Israeli women I’ve seen……and for once in my life (Thank G-d!) I didn’t trip over something while someone was watching me try to be cool.

The problem with my concept of keeping my mouth shut is that people either immediately assume that I’m a tourist (which is not quite correct…) or that I’m a retarded Israeli. I definitely can’t pass for a functional Israeli yet, but give me time, kids. It’s only been a day.

Today I took the bus from the Old City to the Malcha Mall (oh my goodness, I took an ACTUAL crowded city bus in Israel and I didn’t blow up! That’s something to write home about!) and this was a different kind of bus from the one that I took from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, though both were Eged. So I figured out how much it costs from an information booth (it was like 5.40) and since I didn’t have correct change I just whipped out six shekels and mourned what I thought would be the loss of 60 agorot.

So I got on the bus, and was ready to throw my six shekels into the coin receiver….but instead was met with the driver’s cupped hand. Okay, so I guess you pay him directly. I gave him my six shekels, and started to move into the bus….my experience on the Big Blue Bus of Santa Monica is that you throw your fare into the machine (even if you’re overpaying, you won’t get anything back) and then you get the hell out of the way. So as I made my way to the back of the bus, the driver yells, “ODEF!” And I was like, where have I heard that word before? Suddenly a few more voices call out from the front, “ODEF!” And I realized that they were yelling, “Change!” So I turn around, and the driver hands me my exact change! What???? I stared down at the change in disbelief and started to move to the back of the bus when suddenly I hear, “CARTIS!” And a few more voices join in. Shit! I messed up again? I need a ticket??!? Why? I payed, you saw me pay, let’s go! But no, I had to have a ticket. Why??

So that was pretty much the big scandal of the day. I felt so scandalized by the driver giving me change.

I totally watched a soap opera with yehuda levi last night at like 3.

I know I’ve only been here for a day, but I’m starting to accept stupid little things and I’m starting not to feel QUITE as foreign and lost. It’s amazing what difference being sleepless and jet-lagged can make when it comes to first impressions of a place.
I got lost in Tel Aviv, but I found my way back to the hotel based on shadows and watching how the planes were landing!


Can I just say that I REALLY like getting my bagged checked?


And can I ask: Why is there a dancing cartoon tomato singing in Hebrew on TV?