Profile בבקשה

Today I had a thrilling moment where I dropped my cell phone on a bus and then out loud, without trying, muttered something in Hebrew like, “Now where did it disappear to?” Being able to just unconsciously spew out Hebrew as opposed to English was thrilling, especially when you consider that earlier in the bus ride I asked for a pass thusly: “ כרטיסיה please.” Followed by my smacking my head with my hand and saying, “Wait, shit!” I was focusing so hard on the word for the 10-ride bus pass, which I just recently figured out, that I simply forgot to say please in Hebrew rather than English…great.

So today I called the health clinic and all the test results were in, so I said that I’d come by in a few minutes to pick them up and take them to the army center myself. After a 20 minute hike up the mountain (I took the speedy but extremely steep route) I got to the clinic and told the receptionist I was here to pick up documents from the doctor. And the receptionist told me I had to wait in a line of like 5 sick people waiting to be examined. It was fucking ridiculous. I had to wait like 45 minutes just to pick up a fucking sheet of paper. I seriously sometimes do not understand this healthcare system.


P.S. How weird it is that the doctor is a woman and the receptionist is a man? What a country….
Also, when I called the other day to ask about my results, the receptionist asked me who took my blood. And the nurse who took my blood was male, so I didn’t want to call him the word for nurse in Hebrew, which literally means “sister.” So I referred to him as a “doctor.” Oh my G-d, did that not go over well with the receptionist. He sounded furious, and snapped at me, “He’s a ‘brother’ not a doctor!!!” Jesus Christ man, and you’re a psychopath not a receptionist, chill the fuck out….


Anyway, I took the forms to the army center, they took them, and the soldier told me that I should have my health profile in like two weeks. Fuck. NOW. I want now! About an hour and a half or so later I called the information line to ask when I would know my health profile, cos I figured if I’m as annoying as humanly possibly maybe things will go correctly, as opposed to my last few encounters with the army center in which I acted like a shy person who didn’t want to bother anybody and everything seemed to go horribly wrong and people forgot to tell me major things like the fact that I had to have a fucking BLOOD TEST. The soldier said something about how I’m going to get a “summons” or something in the mail, a word which I didn’t know exactly until I looked it up on my cell phone dictionary but which has the same root as “invitation.” …….but I don’t really know what that means…does that mean I have to go back to the army center again to do more tests? When the fuck will it end??? I asked the soldier if that meant that I had more tests that I had to do with the doctor, and she snapped at me, “I don’t know, you just have to wait!”

So wait I shall.

…until maybe tomorrow.

In the meantime, if any of my dear readers can confirm or deny that a “zimoon” is simply a letter the army sends you that says that you have to come to the army center to do something, that would be greatly appreciated. But I don’t expect either of you two to be able to confirm/deny. So I guess I’ll just wait and see.