Whine Whine Whine

WARNING: What follows is a shit-ton of self-pity. Don’t get annoyed with me for complaining and and pitying myself…it’s my fucking blog and if you have a problem with self-pity then you don’t have to read it.


Dear Readers:
Do any of you know of a really rich (or even moderately rich) man who would be willing to lower his standards and marry me? I’ve realized that the working world is not for me, and so my only hope is to marry a fabulously wealthy man.

That’s right, dear readers, I’m pretty sure that today was my last day of work in the t-shirt shop. Well, I’m not 100 percent sure—they told me to come in tomorrow (I’m not supposed to be working tomorrow) for a “talk.” This could be one of two things: 1) I’m getting a raise after only 2 weeks of really mediocre and borderline BAD work on my part or 2) I’m getting fired.

I’m pretty sure I ain’t gettin’ a raise.

I’m actually kind of laughing about all of this. The idea of me as a salesperson is kind of ridiculous, since I’m very afraid of strangers, honest at the wrong moments, and pretty shit at pretending to be friendly. Probably the only job worse for me than tourist t-shirt saleswoman is car saleswoman. Someone with my personality being a salesperson is almost as ridiculous as the idea of me being a lifeguard, seeing as I can barely swim.

Today someone asked me how work was, and I told them that I had multiple reasons to suspect that I’m getting fired (It’s more than just the fact that at work we’re having a “talk” tomorrow…actually, since maybe Day 3 I’ve suspected that I was going to be fired for being so shit, so I’m surprised that it’s taken them so long to actually go through with it). So of course they were trying to comfort me. I didn’t want people trying to feel bad for me, so I tried to stay positive and be like, “Well, everyone has to suck at something, and I’m just glad it’s selling t-shirts that I suck at.”

But then I realized that there’s a lot I suck at. I didn’t say it out loud to the person I was talking to, but when I got up to go to class I made a mental list: I suck at swimming, I suck at dancing, I suck at singing, I suck at speaking Hebrew (or any other language for that matter), I suck at seeing (without my really strong glasses prescription), I suck at dressing stylishly, I suck at science and math stuff, I suck at understanding how things like banks, interest, exchange rates and all that shit works, I suck at interacting with people like a normal person, I suck at eating healthy, I suck at making a decent cup of tea, I suck at having a discussion about politics or religion without getting overexcited or angry, I suck at bowling, I suck at soccer (and this breaks my heart to no end!), I suck at sewing, I suck at embroidery, I suck at drinking, I suck at drawing, I suck at every musical instrument I’ve ever tried to learn, I suck at giving blood, I suck at Judaism (if that’s even possible), I suck at setting up tents, I suck at keeping my room clean, and I suck at getting along with people. And a bunch of other stuff that I’d rather not get into right now.

So, really G-d, did you REALLY have to make me suck at selling t-shirts, too?

I’m beginning to get concerned that my life is just becoming one long, continual discovery of what I suck at. And to top it off Shabbat is coming up so now I’m like doubly depressed cos I feel like I suck at everything and then I get to spend the weekend in an abandoned building by myself moping about how I suck at everything. Great.

On the bright side, I’ve been told I’m really good at whistling……so….uh….that’s comforting, I guess.


Actually, I will share the most comforting thing I heard all day: so a friend from Brazil who is in my class was talking to me, and he was trying to comfort me. He tried to make it sound like my bosses’ fault, so he gave a weak, “Well, you know how Israelis are….” And I was like, “Well, that’s just it, they’re not Israeli, they’re from South America…Argentina, I think….”
And, oh man, did I strike a nerve. His eyes lit up and he was yelling, “I HATE Argentinians! They’re even worse than Israelis! Here, tell me something mean you want to tell them and I’ll tell you how to say it in Spanish to them!”

I kind of shrugged it off because I actually think my bosses are nice people—it’s not their fault that I suck at selling shit. So the two of us sat in silence for a minute, and then finally my friend said, “You think you suck at your job? I have a story for you….”

What followed was the most comforting story I’ve ever heard. So apparently this guy was volunteering on a kibbutz a few years ago when he was 17. He worked in the chicken house and his job was stacking eggs onto these large carts with multiple rows. So anyway, one day he was putting away a tray on the top shelf, and he was shorter at the time and couldn’t reach. His Israeli boss just sort of watched, but didn’t offer any help, so my friend just tried to finish the job on his own, because being a shy teenager he was too embarrassed to ask for help.
Well, he ended up tipping over his tray, sending tens of eggs to splatter on the floor. This would have been humiliating enough, but what followed was a spectacular chain of events. As he tried to catch the falling eggs from the tray, he ended up whacking the large cart he was loading eggs onto, completely knocking it over and shattering every single egg that was on it. And as he tried to catch the falling cart, he knocked into a neighboring cart and made a couple trays from that one fall to their death. So, all in all, in a single moment my friend ended up destroying HUNDREDS of eggs while working.

Seriously, this is something that is so spastic that I thought only I would be capable of it. And now I feel a little bit better about myself—not that I’m any more coordinated than this guy, but at least I know that there’s at least one other person in the world as spastic on the job as me…

FROM YESTERDAY:

Yeshiva Boys of the World: I seriously dislike you.

You speak like a Torah.

You speak Hebrew in Israel like you’d speak Shakespearean English in Compton.

You completely overcomplicate things. If we’re doing some stupid exercise in Hebrew where we’re filling in the blank, you need to spend five hours on each question and try to come up with the most complicated or interesting sentence that was ever uttered in Hebrew. It’s never okay to just spend a minute, pick a word and then say, “Next!”

You think everything warrants a 10 hour discussion. Everything needs to be picked apart and dissected like The Talmud. Nothing is too simple to be subjected to your analysis.

You refuse to accept something as an answer. If a girl tells you the correct answer to a Hebrew question during class, and even the teacher—a native Israeli Hebrew speaker--confirms to your face that it’s correct, your response is simply a cold, “Maybe.”

NO, you fucktard, it’s not “maybe!”

What’s so frustrating is that I noticed whenever a GUY suggested an answer, he was much more willing to accept it, but whenever me, some girl, suggested an answer, it was either “NO.” or “Maybe…” if he knew I was right.

Oh my goodness though, I almost killed this guy. Whenever he refused to accept my answers as correct, I wanted to slap him. Whenever he wanted to spew out an analytical essay on some bullshit, I wanted to grab him and shake him like a baby.

It’s going to be a long five months…

How the hell do religious Jewish women tolerate their husbands? I can barely tolerate religious guys for a couple hours during class, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to actually LIVE with one of this asstards every day for the rest of my life. I mean, I can’t think of an easier way to completely lose faith in G-d than having to live with a former yeshiva boy.

Speaking of the religious, there are two things I’ve always wanted to do in Mea Shearim (an ultra-orthodox area in Jerusalem) :
1) Run through the streets completely naked.
2) Stroll through the streets singing Christian pop music (“Awesome G-d,” anybody?) and carrying Christian religious symbols

I’m 100% Jewish, and I am 100% NOT an atheist, but holy fuck do I dislike a large portion of religious people.