I am a fucking American.

Someone told me I speak Hebrew “like such an American.” They didn’t say it, they spat it, as if speaking like an American was the worst thing they could possibly imagine. They made fun of the way I pronounce my vowels in Hebrew, as if I’m the very essence of redneck standing right before them—even though by American standards I have a neutral accent, so I don’t know where they’re getting the redneck thing from….
Everything that comes out of my mouth in Hebrew is hilarious to this person because I sound “so fucking American.” I tried to just brush it off, but this person just kept saying stuff like that. Finally, last night I snapped and I yelled at the person, “Of COURSE I sound like a fucking American—I AM a fucking American!”

What does she want me to sound like? French? I mean, French people don’t speak English with Danish accents. French people speak English with French accents because they ARE French! So I’m going to speak Hebrew with an American accent because—holy shit, now this is a news flash—I am a fucking American!

I think the problem is that the other Americans in the group have the attitude that they are Israeli now, and they’ve disowned America. So some people (including this person who makes fun of my pronounciation) think that I too want nothing to do with the US, that the worst thing on the planet for me would be to “sound like an American” when I speak Hebrew. That’s ridiculous. Sure, I may want to speak Hebrew with as little accent as possible, and sure I may want to live in Israel as an Israeli citizen (my proof of Judaism is on the way from LA right now!), but I can’t just pretend that I didn’t spend the first 19 years of my life in the US. Even if I wanted to, more than anything else on the planet, I’m never not going to be American. I don’t know if that’s a curse or blessing or something neutral—I guess it’s just something that simply is. To say, “I’ve decided that I’m not an American anymore” after living there for your entire childhood is as stupid as saying, “I’ve decided that I’m not allergic to peanuts anymore.” That decision is simply not up to you!


Anyway….so we just got dismissed for our Shabbat break from learning/working. And you know what I noticed? Everyone in the ulpan has family here. You think I’m exaggerating, that surely I’m not the ONLY one? Let me repeat: every single person in the ulpan has a family member in Israel—except for me. Everyone is going to Shabbat dinner at their father/uncle/cousin/brother’s house. People ask me, “So who in your family is in Israel?” And I tell them that I have absolutely no family in Israel, not even a distant, distant cousin. And then they give me the most horrified expression they can possibly muster, as if they feel such unbearable sorrow for me. Their expression always conveys such heartbreak, shock and pain that it almost makes me feel even worse. The fact that everyone here acknowledges that it is totally shit central not having family within 5000 miles of here makes it even more shit central.

Someone tried to make me feel better, so he said, “Aw, well, you’re lucky because I have to spend Shabbat at my frum cousin’s house, and it’s so weird cos he’s frum.” It was sweet of this person to at least try to make me feel better, but right now I would pay good money to have a frum cousin in Israel. I’d kill a man for either a Klondike bar or a frum cousin in Israel.

Oh well. The good news is that I'm actually having a pretty nice time--there are many nice people here, and I'm learning a shit ton of Hebrew vocabulary. As for the shit that's going wrong.....well, the most important thing that I keep trying to remind myself is that I really want to be here. And hopefully simply wanting to be here so badly will make everything else fall into place—eventually.