We shall overcome

Two days ago I went with a friend and a French bitch (not THE French Bitch, but A French bitch) to Jerusalem. And we went to the Kotel because the guy wanted to put on his tefillin and do what guys do, etc etc. On the way back we were running late so we decided to take a bus from the Old City or something to the central bus station instead of walking (but if my mother asks, we WALKED and did not even LOOK at an Israeli bus....). Anyway, I'm the first of the gang to get on, and I start looking for a place to sit. The first thing I see is three empty seats (perfect!) next to this Jewish guy in a black suit (which, I know I know, is soooooo specific, because there's only like two Jewish guys in black suits in Jerusalem), and I start to settle my butt down. But as I'm lowering my ass I take a look at everyone around me and I realize that everyone around me is a man. A man in a black suit and black hat. And they are all giving me REALLY angry looks.

I quickly realized that I was on one of those segregated buses that I had heard about. So I jumped up so quickly that you would have thought something had bitten my rear, and I sprinted to the back of the bus with the rest of the women before the men in black lynched me.

The sad thing is, whenever I tell my friends back home, "Dude, I was on a segregated bus today in Israel!" they always say, "Oh my G-d, you mean they make Arabs sit in the back????" And they're scandalized until I tell them that, no no, it's the Jewish (and other) women who are in the back. And, though weirded out, these friends feel much less scandalized. Which I find weird. You know, I'm not at all suggesting that segregation is a good idea or a morally acceptable idea--and I really want to stress that do not in any way believe that buses in Israel or in any country for that matter should be segregated in any way-- but if these guys in black just feel like they GOTTA enforce some kind of segregation on buses, why not segregate yourself from their perceived "enemy" rather than your wife? Why are they forcing their own women, the people who give birth to and raise future generations of Jews, to the back of the bus like second class citizens? I'm not even a feminist, and I'm totally in favor of separating sexes during prayer, but this is fucked up. It's fucked up, man...


Anyway, yesterday the Women of the Wash held a fascinating conversation on the pros and cons of making your own granola versus buying it in the store. It was so boring that for once in my life I wished I couldn't understand Hebrew.
So yesterday I was really excited about a "new" woman at work (she's not new, but I hadnt met her yet). But I sit right in back of her. And she's a farter. She is a shameless farter. She just farts nasty farts all day, and I have to breathe it in. I used to be concerned about the health of my lungs because of all the smokers I hang around with here in Israel, but now I'm concerned because I think these farts of hers are destroying the lining of my lungs.
I've christened this new bitch "Naomi Bitch" 'because she looks like my art teacher from Hebrew school who was named "Naomi." She was a large, but very nice (as most fat people are....i.e. Santa Claus), and she made us do the shittiest art projects. By the way, while I'm on the subject: what does a Hebrew school need an art teacher for? I mean, we barely came out of there knowing the Alef-Bet, so how is it that we had time to make shit out of popsicle sticks that our parents would immediately throw away anyway?
I was deciding between "Naomi Bitch" and "Charlie Brown's Teacher Bitch," but decided that "Charlie Brown's Teacher Bitch" was too long. Why Charlie Brown's teacher? Well, remember how during the TV show, whenever his teacher talked, it was just this bizarre and nasal "Waaa waaa waaa waaaa?" Well, basically Naomi Bitch's voice is bizarre and nasal, and when she speaks she sounds like how Charlie Brown's teacher would sound if she were speaking Hebrew.

Yesterday I folded a classmate's underpants. You seriously do not know awkward until you've folded a classmate's underwear.

I also totally out-diva-ed all the women because the song "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" came on the radio and, well, what can I say. I know all the words, including the difficult "Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again" part.

I would also like to know what is up with this kibbutz and its love affair with shoulder pads. I feel like every other women's shirt that I fold has shoulder pads. Are women here concerned that their shoulders are not padded enough?

This one Woman of the Wash (henceforth called "English Bitch") keeps talking to me in English. Even though I ONLY speak to her in Hebrew. And though she responds in English, she responds in such a way that lets me know that clearly what I said in Hebrew was able to be understood. So it pisses me off. And it wasn't like the usual Israel thing where they just want to practice their English. She clearly just thought I didn't understand Hebrew. I wanted to say to her, "Bitch, you respond to me in English one more time and I will K-I-L-L you....." but instead I just said, "Don't speak to me in English, I am not English!" And she said to me, "But you are American!" So I said in Hebrew, "But we're not in America!!!"

Henyways....things in the laundry room are really boring still. Yesterday was the first legit hot day we've had so far, and OH MY G-D, I work in an armpit. A smelly, smelly armpit.

Also, Fat Bitch laughs like this: "Khe khe khe!!!" and I just want to smack her.

I was gonna delete my drunk post, because it's a little embarrassing to be drunk. As my English friend told me last night, "Wow, you are SUCH an under-21 year old American right now...." But I'm leaving it up because I think I made a valid point. We should accept that if you're foreign, you're gonna sound like a total jackass when you speak a different language. Unless you're Oz, in which case you're just a lucky bastard. You know, we should all have the confidence of a drunk person when we speak foreign languages.