I just sat down to rant bout something unrelated to aliyah/yerida when this fellow ulpanist looked over my shoulder.
You gotta understand that he's only Jewish in the sense that he was born to a Jewish mother and isn't Christian. That's about it. He doesn't know anything about anything and doesn't go to synagogue (I'm not judging, I'm just trying to get you to visualize/understand a bit about this guy).
He looks over my shoulder and he sees that, next to the facebook and the AIM, I have a youtube screen up. And country music is playing in my headphones and a guy in a cowboy hat is jumping around onstage with a guitar. The guy asks if I'm listening to country music, I tell him OF COURSE, and he's like, "You actually LIKE country music?" And I said yes.
"Ah, see, that's how we know you're 1/2 Christian!"
Which I think is true. Even the unaffiliated, non-practicing Jew thinks there's something definitely more Christian about me.
Tonight I was eating Shabbat dinner in the kibbutz dining hall when everyone started singing Shabbat songs out loud. All the other ulpanists knew the words, but I didn't. Which I thought was weird for a Jew. Especially when you consider that I know all the lyrics to any Christmas song you can think of. And then I thought, "Wow, I never had Shabbat dinner with my family."
Remember how I mentioned the more religious ulpanist who kept telling me that, despite whatever conclusion I drew, Israel is my country and America isn't? I would never actually do this, but I want to print up all the pages I've written about how I'm not Jewish enough to be in this country and shove it in his face. What do I mean by "not Jewish enough?" I'm Jewish enough to have been born here, but I'm not Jewish enough to come here at age 19 and act as if I have some special right to be here that my Christian neighbors at home don't have. If I were raised in an Orthodox Jewish household, I think I'd feel different. You understand? I just want to rub his stupid insensitive nose in all this information that contradicts what he blindly believes is true (that Israel is the country where ALL Jews need to be living), and then I want to top it off by locking him in a room and blasting Toby Keith through the loud speakers. After 19 years of that, maybe then I'll let him out and ask him, "Do you understand me now?"
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So Sam...
I don't want to tell you what to do, cause that's something you can only decide on your own. But you mustn't choose to go home because of the way things are going right now. Like I told you, what you are descibing on this blog is certainly not the norm around here.
All this talk about how you now feel maybe more American than Jewish/Israeli sounds like excuses to me, and the real reason behind it all is that you can't handle this shit anymore...
Just to let you know, I don't know the words to any shabbat song as well, and I've lived in Israel my whole life.
And I do believe that all Jews should live in this country, and it has nothing to do with how "jewish" you are, since Judaism is more than just a religion, it's a nationality. You are just born that way, no matter what you do later in your life.
As sad as it is, that is how anti-semites view it as well: Even if you try really hard not to be a Jew, try and be christian, you are still a jew, and they will treat you as such. That why people say that there is no other country for jews.
So, all in all, if you still really feel you don't belong here, and you really want to move back home, please do. But just really think it through, because there is no such thing as being "jewish" enough to live in Israel...
Good luck,
Oz
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