I'll be fine

Normally I'm so passive with strangers that I'm always up shit creek. I'm sure I've mentioned this, but when I was 13 I almost got stuck on a bus in Italy, separated from my family, because I was too embarrassed to have to ask people to move aside for me to exit.

Well, things change.

You know how I normally update AT LEAST once a day? And how I haven't in a couple days?

Someone yelled at me. Like flat out yelled at me. He was yelling at me about something unrelated, and I wasn't responding because I thought maybe it would just go away if I didn't respond....and so he started screaming that I was fucked up, that everyone hated me, that I'm a nerd, that I'm such an idealist who wants to change the world but who needs to change herself, that I put everyone else's needs above my own so that my "own life is shit."

It was bad enough hearing this, but what was even worse was that several people were standing right there. Their jaws dropped. But they said absolutely nothing. Stunned, I came back inside and found my roommate with a shocked expression on her face. She had heard. She started trying to shower me with love and comfort and whatever, but I just sat down with a confused smile on my face. I giggled and said, "I think that was the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me." And then I suddenly started bawling. I stopped crying for a bit, but then the Frenchman came in and demanded to know what was wrong, so I started bawling again.

You know the Frenchman? The one who can't go back to France because he's wanted for arson and attempted murder? Um, when I started crying, he became enraged and threatened to kill the person who had hurt me. Expletive here, expletive there.... Oh man, it was incredible.

Anyway, at the suggestion of the Frenchman, for the past couple days whenever the meanie tries to talk to me (he keeps trying to get a rise out of me by doing something annoying, or he keeps trying to be nice, or he keeps trying to provoke me by saying something mean), I just pretend like I absolutely cannot hear him. And it's driving him crazy. He was yelling at me today, and I said absolutely nothing and kept a perfectly serene look on my face as if the wind were just lightly brushing across my face. And then he got angry that I wasn't saying anything, so he yelled that I was fucked up for not saying anything. And I'm thinking, "You're screaming at a wall, and I'M the fucked up one?" But I just said nothing. Oh man, he is going CRAZY. Hahahahahahah. I've never tried the ignore the person route, and I'm beginning to see its merits.

Today though I thought I was going to start crying. My parents sent me a package for me birthday, which arrived today, and I was absolutely thrilled. I got exactly what I wanted (Country CD's ANNNNNND a Jewish star necklace--more than I could have possibly asked for!!!!), and I was really happy because in the past seven years my birthday has been forgotten by my parents three times, and so I was just happy to be remembered.
So I'm sitting on my doorstep reading the card from my parents with a huge smile on my face, and the crazy man just comes up and starts yelling at me again about how fucked up I am. He told me that he was perfectly justified in saying those horrible things to me the other day because "when people fight they say shit like that." And so I broke my silence to say, "Yes, but then they APOLOGIZE for it." And then I said nothing else. But the guy just kept yelling. It pissed me off. I cant even enjoy my "birthday." ....


Anyway, I think I have changed a bit for the better since being yelled at though. First, keep in mind the Italian bus incident. Now hear about my experience at an Israeli Govt Office Today:

I woke up early and waited outside the Misrad Hapnim for 45 minutes to get an appointment. At 8 I got to go in and I found that the electricity was out in the building (except for, thank G-d, in the cafeteria), so I couldn't get a visa. Fuck. If I couldn't get a visa, I couldn't get an appointment with the army recruitment place, so maybe I wouldn't be able to do the army because enlistment is in August. Fuck fuck fuck.

So I went into the room where the visa woman was and asked her a question about what I should do. And she started yelling at me in Hebrew about how she has no idea what she can do and how she doesn't know when the electricty will come back and I can wait, but I'm bothering her and I should just go home and leave her alone.

Normally this would have been the point where I'd go home in complete embarrassment, feeling defeated because for the SECOND time I failed to come out of the Misrad Hapnim with a visa. I'd feel sad and angry and embarrassed. And a little ashamed of myself for being so passive. Well, you know what I thought to myself THIS time? "I don't need to take this shit."

So I just fucking yelled right back at the woman IN HEBREW: "You know what I'm going to do? I will go outside. And I will wait. And the electricty will come back. And you will give me a visa."

And I whipped back around and walked out the door to the waiting room. And I sat. And I waited. I waited.

For four hours I waited for the electricty to come back. But it did come back. And I was allowed back in the room to apply for a visa. Turns out I was missing a form, so the woman I yelled at gave me the proper form and told me to fill it out and come back when I was done, and I wouldn't have to wait in the line again.

So I went into the hall to fill it out, and by the time I finished a HUGE line for the visa office had formed next to me (but I was not in it). Fuck. But none of them had waited four hours. I knew this because I had been sitting htere for the previous four hours. the door to the office started to open, and so I put myself in front of it so I could go back in--which the lady in the office had already said I could do. And I saw this American man and his foreign wife were starting to inch their way towards the door to fight me for my spot. So I blocked them out with my body. I honestly had no idea I had it in me. Normally I would have backed away and let them in even though the lady had flat out told me I didn't have to wait in the line again. But not this time. I had had enough of getting the passive, shit end of hte stick. I totally just out-bitched them with my fat ass. It felt incredible. The people in the office came out, and I immediately squeezed past them to get into the office before the American man and his foreign wife (who I heard speaking fluent English). And the foreign wife called out in Hebrew, "Excuse me!" And I turned around and I said in Hebrew that I was here first and that I only had to fill out a form and that I hadn't finished my appointment. The woman started yelling back at me in Hebrew that she didn't believe me and blah blah blah. I started yelling back more in Hebrew in my defense, and here's what's really cool:

In spite of the fact that the woman was fluent in English and in spite of the fact that I am also fluent in English, we were arguing in Hebrew. And the woman had to translate for her American husband into English. I heard her saying to him in English, "She is saying xyz....blahblahblah...." And they were both looking at me as she translated, and I stood with this impatient look on my face and I did this snooty little shoulder thing that I have seen some Israelis do that kind of suggests impatience. It was like I was standing there like, "Yeah, come on, hurry up with this English." The American man than told his wife, "Tell her [me] xyz and blahablahba..." as if I couldn't understand English! AND THE WOMAN TRANSLATED HIS ENGLISH INTO HEBREW FOR ME!!! I have no idea what language she thought I spoke as a native! Oh man. I've never felt less American in my life. it was fucking awesome!!!

Anyway, we were still arguing when the woman of hte office returned. She asked what was going on, and the woman and I were still arguing away in Hebrew, and immediately the woman of hte office took my side and led me to a chair. And the woman I argued with had to sit down defeated.

Me, that would have been me last week. Last week I wouldn't have fought for this, last week I would have already gone home, but today there was no going home.

So the lady sits me down, starts looking at my papers, and she already knows I'm getting this visa so I can join the army. So she looks at my passport, then she looks at me and smiles. And this comes as a surprise since I yelled at her a few hours earlier: She says to me in English, "Samantha, I like you." I laughed and asked in Hebrew what I had done. She says to me in Hebrew something like, "You surprised me....You understand, I saw an American girl wants to join the army, and I thought that she would be..........ehhhhh......you're an American but you didn't leave--you waited here several hours, and you didn't give up to that woman. You're strong. That's good. I like that."

And so this woman went from being this horrible thing that yelled at me and frightened me this morning, to being this wonderful lady who was incredibly helpful and who kept trying to tell me helpful information about what the army will be like---all because I acted like a totally assertive bitch.

I told my parents this story and they kept saying, "You said WHAT? Wait, this is YOU we're talking about?" Oh man. It was so exciting. I'm exhausted from all this....

Shit son.