Mah ShlomFUCK YOU!

In the US, when a co-worker you don’t know particularly well asks how you are doing, how do you respond? You’ll probably say something like: not bad, not too shabby, ok, fine, good, just fine, etc etc. If you’re having a particularly good day, you might offer something a little more enthusiastically positive, but for the most part you say something like “I’m ok.” It’s my understanding that in US it doesn’t matter if you have an arrow through your head or if your life at the moment is like a re-enactment of the Book of Job—if the person asking how you are doing is not a particularly close friend, the proper response is something like, “I’m fine.”

So every single day when the Women of the Wash ask, “Mah shlomech?” I respond by saying in Hebrew that I’m okay or I’m fine or I’m good. Sure, a lot of shit’s going wrong, but in the cosmic sense of things I really am OK, and anyway I thought I was being polite and I thought I was being properly distanced by not bogging these women down with the ups and downs of my life.

Well today Naomi Bitch started yelling at me after I responded “B’seder.” Like, you think I’m exaggerating, that surely I wouldn’t be yelled at for simply responding that I was doing okay, but I kid you not. She started yelling, demanding to know why I didn’t respond in more detail and demanding to know why I was always “okay” or “fine.” I wanted to yell back something like, “Fine, I wasn’t going to tell you this cos I basically like just fucking met you last month, but I’ll tell you exactly how I am: I fucking hate this kibbutz, I miss my family, I’m seriously freaked out because I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life after this G-d-forsaken ulpan is over, I hate my job, I hate you, I hate me, and I’m seriously reconsidering whether or not I’m a Zionist thanks to this fucking place. THAT’S how I am right now.” But instead I just stared at this woman in shock. I was only trying to be polite and trying not to be a burden by simply responding that I was doing just fine, and even if I weren’t in the mood to be polite, why the fuck would I tell this random woman everything that’s going on in my life? I mean, if she asked for more detail in a way that suggested that she was actually concerned, maybe you’d be reading a radically different blog post here. But the woman wasn’t asking in a concerned way—she was angrily demanding to know the details of my life. What the fuck does she WANT to know? I mean, what a nosey bitch! She’s not my friend, she’s not my family, so she has absolutely no right or reasonable expectation to know what’s going on in my life! Jesus Christ, the Women of the Wash need to learn how to mind their own fucking business.

I later went to the store on the kibbutz to buy two things of yogurt, since tomorrow it’ll be closed for Shavuot. When the guy rang me up, I saw that he only charged me for one thing. I looked at the screen to be sure, and sure enough he only charged me for one. I tried to say something in Hebrew, but I have no idea how to say, “You undercharged me.” I tried to explain things in a sort of roundabout Hebrew way, but I only got a few words out when the guy behind the counter cut me off and said in the most exasperated and condescending tone, “Just give me five shekels and I’ll give you your change!!!” At least it was in Hebrew….

I was initially surprised and hurt, but was about to protest and try to explain again that I wasn’t paying enough…...but then I realized this guy was a fucking asshole, so I just smiled and took two yogurts for the price of one Which I actually feel really badly about. As much as I hate this kibbutz, I don’t like stealing….except for toilet paper. But that’s not stealing, that’s justice.

Anyway, my point in relating this market story is that I am sick of being treated like I’m retarded. I cannot capture in writing the sheer amount of condescension and exasperation in peoples’ voices when they talk to me (and to other newcomers to the country). I hate it. I’m not retarded, I just didn’t fucking grow up in a Hebrew speaking country! For me, this is a new country and a new language that are both incredibly unfamiliar to me. “Yeah, but you’re Jewish, so you should be very familiar with Hebrew!” Well, great, that means that there is ONE Hebrew phrase that isn’t a strain for me to put together: “Baruch Atah Adonai….” That’s about it. And frankly, I think a Hebrew translation of the phrase “Go fuck yourself” might be more useful than that one.

I don’t understand it. When I hear people having problems with English, I try to be nice and help, and I’m always impressed that people know English at all. I’m not saying that I need a standing ovation every time I say the word “bayit,” but a little bit of support and sympathy would be great. A little encouragement never killed anyone (except when the encouragement was for suicide).

Anyway, I think I’ll never make it up north. I actually booked a fucking hostel, planned out everything I wanted to do…….and now I’m fucking sick. So I’m spending my fucking vacation on this fucking kibbutz. Urgh…. I considered going to the doctor because then I could have gotten a day off work, but I still think it’s ridiculous to go to the doctor for a sickness that is just inconvenient or unpleasant, rather than something serious. I don’t care that on this kibbutz you go to the doctor for every minor ache or pain, or that on this kibbutz you tell near-strangers all the details of your life, or that on this kibbutz you are mean and condescending to someone who is trying to be honest—that’s not how my family raised me, and that’s not how I’m going to live my life!

Back in college, whenever I chose to have a quiet night in because of illness or foul mood or whatever while everyone else was out celebrating their youth, I used to put on the song “Another Saturday Night,” and sit around moping in my underpants. I think that’s what I’m going to do tonight. Wish me luck.


P.S. Can we have a bright side moment? Sure, Iran might have nuclear weapons, but at least that increases the chance that this kibbutz might cease to exist in the near future.
Oh jeez….that was sick. I think I need to get out more.

P.P.S. I might not get my oleh visa paperwork done in time, cos it takes for-fucking-ever to get an appointment. Basically if everything goes PERFECTLY, I could have it done in time by the end of the kibbutz program. But that means that absolutely NOTHING can go wrong. But obviously things are going to go wrong. So what I’m going to try to do instead is sign up for the Mahal program. It’s where you do the Israeli army for the regular amount of time, but you do it as a foreign citizen. I figure I’ll have to do the army eventually, I might as well do it now. Actually, I think I’d prefer to do the Mahal program and then get citizenship, because then I’d know exactly if/when I’m doing the army, instead of it being this vague and confusing thing. If I do the Mahal program, I’d start in September, but if I get citizenship I’d have to wait a while—I’d get settled and I’d have to find a job and shit like that, and then in the middle of it I’d have to up and join the army. So we’ll see. I don’t know. I still haven’t decided exactly what I want to do with my life after September. Part of me wants to go back to college to just go learn languages, but I think it’s unfair to my parents who are paying, because I can’t graduate with the classes I want to take, and it’s also stupid to go back to your native country to learn languages instead of staying in a country where you can be surrounded by a foreign language. I think I just have to be patient and have faith that ONE day (again, that day is not today!) I’ll know enough Hebrew to go to college here, and it’ll be free cos I’ll be an immigrant, and I can learn other languages through the medium of Hebrew. And it’ll be awesome.

Or maybe I’ll just go back to the U.S. Fuuuuuuuuck….


Oh Jesus, do I need a hug…….
(not from Jesus)