more about merka

First off before I say anything else, I want to wish loyal reader/awesome Jew Abraham a very happy birthday! (And, next year in Jerusalem!)

Now, on to what I want to say today:

First off, I noticed that immigrants (for the sake of simplicity I'm going to count myself as one) have many "Oh fuck, is THAT was xyz means????? All this time I've been saying it and I thought it meant zyx!!!"
One of my friends found out yesterday that the many times he's said something like, "I refuse!" (which apparently he does in conversation with his co-workers all the time), he's actually been saying, "I clean!" or something like that.

Today Fat Bitch tried to talk to me, and in mid-sentence she turns to French Bitch and asks in Hebrew, "What's her name again?" As if I couldn't understand. I wanted to be like, you fucking know i understand you so just ask ME directly. And French Bitch responded, "Amanda."

Urgh. I hate that name.

It has passed the point of being humorous that they can't remember my name at work, and it has now crossed into "sad" territory. Is Samantha really so exotic that it takes over TWO months to remember it?

Bizarrely, Cold Bitch now is the only one who consistently remembers my name and--GET THIS--she bought me ice cream today!!!!


MOST IMPORTANTLY: Never have I wanted to pull on some cowboy boots and kick some foreigner ass more than I did today.

The Mexican ulpanist who now works next door came in to chat with Fat Bitch, and Fat Bitch started insulting American movies. She started spewing out some shit about how Americans don't understand art, and how everythign in America--especially films-- is showy and fake. First of all, saying ALL American movies are x or y or z is like saying ALL Israelis are named Avi, or ALL Muslims are terrorists, or ALL French food is good. Second of all, what the hell is the matter with a movie just being funny or silly or stupid entertainment? Life's already too fucking serious as it is....
She started saying all this shit about America in Hebrew as if I couldn't understand, and I just wanted to punch her.

Later on, I was folding towels. Normally I'm supposed to fold shirts if there are shirts and towels at the same time, but there was a HUGE back up in the laundry room and this one cart of towels was just sitting there for over 4 days. So I'm folding towels, and French Bitch is in the middle of her fifth hour-long break of the day when she catches sight of me. She runs over (though I think for French people, you shouldn't say they run. They "ritz." Because every time they walk, they walk like they think they are the absolute shit. They put on the ritz.) So she ritzes on over my way, and she yells in Hebrew, "WHY ARE YOU FOLDING TOWELS????" I thought, how I was going to explain this in Hebrew....they get angry at me for folding towels sometimes because they have the following logic: "Breathing is more important than eating, so let's ONLY breathe." No. You need to eat too, you just need to breathe more. Yeah, shirts are more important than towels, but you still need towels.

Instead I settled on, "Ci hem higioo kodem." Which I believe is something like, "Cos they got here first." Which they did. They got here four days before the shirts. And I look up to see her response.

She looks at me, and then replies by mocking the American accent: "Ci him hee-gee-OOOOOOOO KO-DIM!" It was the most appallingly mean impersonation of an American accent and the most completely unnecessary mockery of me personally that I've heard in a while. She sounded like how an even more retarded version of George Bush would sound like if George Bush could speak Hebrew. And then she cackled at me, as if she couldn't believe how stupid I sounded.

I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry/die, and I never wanted to speak Hebrew ever again. I don't understand why everyone has to be so fucking mean. Go surrender to someone, I wanted to tell her. You fucking French Bitch. Instead I settled on the Chaval Al Hazman Principle which, if you'll remember, is that if you say something horrible to someone who doesn't speak your language well but you say it with a smile, they won't know they've been insulted. Unfortunately this woman knows basic English, so I'd have to REALLY make an effort to pick strange words. So after a few minutes, I look up from my pile of shirts that I've switched to folding, and I smile andcall out, "[French Bitch]!" She turns to look at me. "Ani lo yodaat ech omrim et zeh b'ivrit, az.....ani adaber b'anglit: [French Bitch], your soul is one I loathe, cowardly native of my family's primitive origin."

(To understand this, you have to understand that my Christian side of my family has very distant French roots. Though my last name is a bastardized form of these roots, we are only very MINORLY French and probably the most recent person to recognize a member of my family as "French" rather than "American" or something else is Pochahontas. If you understand what I'm saying.....)

And, marvelously, she just smiled back because she had no idea what the fuck I was saying. But I was smiling. So SURELY I must have said something nice.

Also, One of my friends here makes fun of the way that all Americans like to say that the United States is the greatest country on earth--it's not just me that does it, it's the other Americans as well, even the official immigrants here. Well, I noticed here that the people from places where you don't brag about your country brag about themselves all the fucking time. They think that they personally are the greatest thing ever to grace the earth. Well, I'd rather not brag about myself but brag about my country all the time. Personally, I think that's a better thing to do, because when you brag about your country, you're taking pride in your fellow citizens and not in yourself.

Anyway, I'm getting really sick of getting made fun of all the time for having an American accent, and I'm getting sick of having to listen to all this shit about what a crap country the U.S. is.

Then again, at college back in America I was getting sick and tired of hearing shit about what a crap place Israel is. So.....I guess I just can't win!