KILL THE BUS!

Okay, so Purim is fast approaching and apparently everyone else in my building is dressing up for it…so I guess I should too. It actually didn’t really occur to me to dress up for Purim, but I guess here we are in Israel….. Also, we get a VACATION for Purim. Like, two days off from studying. FOR PURIM?? What a magical country!

So, what’s the deal with Purim costumes? Is it basically like anything I could dress up as for Halloween is acceptable for Purim (minus scream masks/ghosts/witches/etc)? Or are you only supposed to dress up as Purim characters (like we had to in the younger grades in religious school)? I’ve basically only celebrated Purim once since I was 8, and it was two years ago and I was exhausted, taking a brief prayer break from a dance marathon thing in which I was part of the lighting crew, so I barely had time to take note of costumes. Pretty much all I remember about that service was that in the middle of it a religious girl farted and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Stressing about costumes aside, I am thrilled that I will be in Israel for Purim. Sure, there’s the whole thing about Purim being a holiday about how the Jews almost got wiped out but ended up getting the last laugh, and then actually celebrating this holiday in the ultimate “last laugh,” aka Israel. But mostly I’m just excited about homantaschen. You know, the Yiddish term for “Haman’s Pockets,” the tasty pastry for Purim. Actually, here in Israel they’re called “Haman’s Ears,” which is just disgusting. Quite possibly the most unappetizing name for a pastry ever. I mean, the criticism you could make about the term “hamantaschen” is that they’re literally called “pockets,” but we’re taught in religious school that they represent Haman’s three-cornered hat. So that makes no sense, but whatever.

Here in Israel (now correct me if I’m wrong!) however, they’re taught in school that hamantaschen represent Haman’s ears, which fell off during his execution, or some weird shit like that. Wait. So now we’re gonna EAT HIS EARS???

Anyway, no matter what they’re called, I’m excited about being in a country where hamantaschen/Haman’s Ears are readily available.


Anyway….
Was watching a Mr. Bean sketch earlier today where Mr. Bean tries to trick other people waiting in line for the bus into moving so that he can stand at the head of the line.

Wow. When I was younger I was a huge anglophile, so I saw a lot of British films/TV…. I was well aware that the British stand in perfect, single file line while waiting for the bus, and I didn’t find it particularly odd from the perspective of an American. We aren’t nearly as neat and tidy in the U.S. and we don’t wait for the bus in a line, but there is at least some semblance of recognition of who got there first/second/last/whatever, and something of a tidy line almost always forms at the last second when the bus actually arrives.

After a month now of some intense bus-taking here in Israel….watching that sketch was bizarre.

Here in Israel, if you don’t aggressively shove people out of your way to get on the bus, the bus driver will yell at you in Hebrew, “WELL ARE YOU GONNA GET ON???”

Here in Israel, if you are reluctant to push the tiny old woman in front of you, a second tiny old woman behind you will grunt impatiently and shove you into the first tiny old woman.

Here in Israel, a tidy line doesn’t form in front of the door to the bus, but rather something resembling a riot mob forms. When I see people “waiting” to board the bus, I am reminded of that scene from “Beauty and the Beast” where the townspeople are holding torches and chanting, “KILL THE BEAST!”

“Kill the bus!”

To illustrate it using another Disney movie, being an American immigrant waiting to board a bus in Israel is a bit like being Simba during the wildebeest stampede in “The Lion King.”

Actually, it sort of resembles a nightclub, you know, where you’re stuck in this disgusting, sweaty mass of moving people. Party people might actually enjoy waiting to get on the bus if they close their eyes and pretend that they’re in a nightclub with no music, but unfortunately this won’t work for me since I hate nightclubs. Specifically, I hate the disgusting, sweaty mass of moving people aspect. I do like nightclub music though, so I think next time I know I’ll be boarding the bus at a crowded bus stop I’ll pack along a boom box and start blasting techno dance hits from the center of the riot mob. Or you know, start dancing along to “What Is Love” like the guys from Saturday Night Live. That’s one way to piss off the Haredim…