vending machines of the Lord

Before I say anything else, I have to say I love this country. Today in the central bus station I saw a vending machine that vends religious texts. I seriously don’t even know what to say to that, except for I’M SO GLAD I MADE ALIYAH.

Also, today at the bank I had THE most encouraging experience ever. The teller saw on my ID card that I was an immigrant, and he asked me about my aliyah, and what ulpan I was studying in. I told him, and he said, “Oh, I know that one!” And I just assumed that he had simply heard of my ulpan….but then it turned out that he himself was an immigrant, and that he himself had studied in the exact same ulpan! I couldn’t tell he was an immigrant (from France, he said), because he sounded so good in Hebrew, and was chatting with another teller in really quick Hebrew. And not only did he do my same ulpan, but he was in the same level as me and he had the exact same teachers. This was all really encouraging because here’s a guy who did exactly what I’m doing, and a year and a half later his Hebrew is good enough that he’s working in a bank, not a t-shirt store or whatever. This is really, really encouraging. I thought I was going to have to wait decades before I stop sounding like an idiot, but unless this guy happens to be a friggin genius then maybe I’ll stop sounding like an idiot in less than a year and a half. Oh man, I really needed this boost in encouragement and confidence.

Okay, now it’s time for a complaint: I really need a new pair of pants, but I can’t figure out the sizes here. I walked into a store at the mall today, and picked up a pair of pants I liked to see what size it was….and saw like 38 or something. And I was like, “Well what the fuck is that?”
Are pant sizes in Israel in Celsius or something?
I looked around at the crowded store and saw all the Israelis looking like pros, and I didn’t want to stand out as an idiot and ask how sizes work, so I walked out of the store and whipped out the ol’ cell phone and did a google search on pant conversions. Eventually I found an online chart that was like, “Size 8 is Size ___ in European, or Size 10 is Size ____ in European” etc etc, and I found my European size and confidently walked back into the store. I then picked up a different pair of pants, and checked the size. And this time it had TWO numbers, both of them different.
Well, now I’m just confused and frustrated. I think maybe I’ll never be able to buy pants here, and I’ll just have to wander the streets in my slowly disintegrating old pants until I eventually am forced to walk the streets in my underpants.

I should probably figure this out before I start the army (if I ever do start the army…), because if they ask you what size you need for your pants, I’m not gonna know what to tell them, and then for two years I’m either going to have to wear skintight hot-pants or Mr. T parachute pants. Should also probably figure out Euro shoe sizes before then as well, cos I don’t think I want to look like the boots-equivalent of a little girl walking around in her mother’s high heels.

EDIT: Someone told me yesterday that the water heaters in our bathrooms can explode if you leave them on too long. Christ, is there ANYTHING in the Middle East that does not explode?