You have The Plague. Please leave.

So back on the kibbutz, one of the big problems we had was that people would take days off from class a lot. Sometimes it was to just go hang out in Tel Aviv, and sometimes it was exaggerated illness—like, a person would have nothing more than a runny nose but insist on staying in bed instead of going to class. It’s really frustrating when this happens when you’re in a class with only 3 or 4 other people, because sometimes back on the kibbutz I’d be one of two people who bothered to show up to class.

In this ulpan, however, we have the exact opposite problem. We have people coming to class who should really be back home in bed, or at the doctor’s office, or at a sanatorium. For the first two hours today I had to sit next to a girl hacking and coughing, and blowing her nose so juicily that I could have sworn she was making orange juice.

Meanwhile, across the room from me is a guy who is coughing so horribly that I want to scream, “YOU CLEARLY HAVE TUBERCULOSIS. GO HOME IMMEDIATELY.”

My problem is that I have a serious issue with germs. No one ever believes me because my room is always so messy, so my room must be crawling with germs….but see, that’s just it. I don’t have a problem with germs in general—just other people’s germs.

I feel like I go to class with wounded World War 2 soldiers. “Go on without me!” they call out to their healthier comrades, as they slowly drag their wounded lungs and sinuses to class, desperate to arrive on time.

Class for me, especially in winter when people are always sick or so it seems, is an exercise in trying not to breathe. On average about every two minutes one of the many sick people will make a noise, like either a “squelchy” cough or a wet sneeze, that makes my insides cringe and the voice in my head scream, “Oh my G-d, gross gross gross!” I keep telling myself that at 1 (when class is over), I’ll allow myself to break my own rules and take a second shower of the day.

(My rules have to do with water conservation here in this desert land.)


Anyway, my point in this post is that I’d like to make a public service announcement:

While I fully support mildly sick people (i.e. people with runny noses) who choose to make an effort to get out of bed and come to class, if you sound like you have The Plague/the Ebola Virus/the advanced stages of consumption….STAY THE FUCK HOME! Or at least don’t sit your sick ass next to me.

Cos, wouldn’t you know it, now it looks like I’ve caught The Plague.