The Retard Battalion

I had the most vivid dream last night…so vivid that when I woke up and was doing my morning routine, I didn’t even immediately realize that it had only been a dream.

In my dream I received my letter from the army with my enlistment date and a list of jobs that were open to me based on my health profile/tests/whatever. And all of my options were stuff like, “Potato Peeler” or “Soldier Responsible for Taking Out Kitchen Trash” or “Tank Wipe” (a sub-conscious reference to “King of the Hill”?). I started panicking, and frantically I flipped through the pages in the envelope I received, and it seemed like the jobs available to me just got worse. “Window Washer Soldier.” My final job option was “Latrine Sanitation Soldier.”

I started panicking in my dream, “Oh my G-d, what am I going to tell my parents…how can I tell them that I’ll be doing something so incredibly stupid for two years!”

I then re-read the cover page that came with my packet of job options, and in the opening letter it said that I had been placed in “The Retard Battalion.” (In my dream, everything was in English.) I continued reading and the letter explained that the army, not wanting to leave out any part of Israeli society, had formed a battalion just for people who failed their army tests and who were deemed to be retarded. And that I was to be placed in this battalion.

Anyway, when I eventually woke up, I felt as though my army letter had already come, and although I knew I wasn’t in “The Retard Battalion” because as far as I know there is no such thing, I thought I had limited options because the army found me to be stupid.


With the realization that this was only a dream comes immense relief—hopefully my REAL army options will be much better! Emphasis on “hopefully.”