Am I any less of a man because I am black?

I nearly just lost all control of my bowels. I was trying so hard not to laugh during history discussion class that I thought that not only was I going to piss my pants, but I was also seriously concerned that I'd vomit and crap my pants from laughter supression.

You know the guy in my history class that I mentioned a couple days ago who talked for like five hours about how great he was before finally getting to his point? He's in my discussion section.

We were broken up into three groups. One was supposed to represent what the Founding Fathers meant by "All MEN are created equal," one group represented a women's group from the 1800s whose document we read arguing that MEN includes women, and another group represented a group of black people from the 1800s whose document we read arguing that MEN includes black men as well.

I was in the group representing the black men, as was Mr. Pretentious. He seemed really busy typing something, so me and the other folks in the group had this whole discussion that we thought was really productive. And then came time for the "debate."

First to go was the women's group. Their way of presenting their point was kind of like:
Group: "They though that--"
The TA: "Ah ah ah, who's 'they?'
Group: "Oh. Right. Whatever. WE thought then that .....blahblahblah."

No one really got into it, and the point wasn't to really get into it. It was just to argue from that group's perspective.

Finally it's my group's turn. The other folks in my group motioned for me to do the speaking, and as I was about to start Mr. Pretentious caught my attention. He motioned, asking permission for him to speak. So I was like, "Yeah, okay, whatever, you can do it."

Oh. My. G-d.

I cannot do justice to this, but I'm going to try. Please keep in mind that the real thing lasted 7 minutes, and it was performed in an accusatory manner, as if the people present in the classroom were personally responsible for slavery. Here is what he said:

"The Declaration of Independence. * DRAMATIC PAUSE* guarantees rights to *DRAMATIC PAUSE*. all. men."

*Another dramatic pause in which people audibly shift in their seats with discomfort as they realize that this is going somewhere awkward.*

"You say that all men are created equal, but you go against your own conscience, your own values, [*yet another dramatic pause*] ...and your own heart. I ask you: [now getting more intense] am I not equal? [*dramatic pause in which some people contemplate killing themselves*]."

At this point our TA tried to step in before it got more embarrassing. "Wow, all right," he said, "That's some powerful stuff, and so why don't we hear from 'The Founding Fathers' now...." But Mr. Pretentious kept going.

"I ask you ANOTHER question. [*five minute pause during which Mr. Pretentious thinks he's milking the 'drama' for all its worth*]. Am I any. [*emphatic downward fist pound on the desk*] less [*fist pound*] of a man [*fist pound*] than YOU?"

He directed this towards the table of people representing the Founding Fathers, who were all looking at the floor.

"Am I any less of a man simply because, YES, [*dramatic, breathy sigh*], my skin IS black?"

At which point I almost shat myself with laughter because this guy is the whitest person I've ever met.

"[*dramatic pause*] Nothing further."





Hahahahha, I love being back at school. There aren't enough pretentious people out in the real world, but in school? Hooooooooo yeah.