Aw Eff: The Musical

Good news? The cockroach is gone.


So at my university they're putting on "Moby Dick" as a musical....which sort of begs the question: why?

It got me thinking, what if everything that was ever written eventually ended up as a musical? What if a hundred and fifty years from now, this blog was a musical? What would that look like?

There'd probably be a musical number involving the lyrics "Why the fuck is everyone named Avi?" I think that's how the musical would kick off. The heroine gets to Israel, and we suddenly launch into a high energy song like "Jesus Christ Superstar" as she wanders through the streets of Tel Aviv and almost gets hit by several cars. The romantic interest would probably be my unrequited loves for the guy who works at Bank HaPoalim, the guy who works at McDonald's at Harel Mall, and the Arab guy who worked in the dining hall. There'd probably be some sort of scary and climactic number, kind of like "Be Prepared" in "The Lion King," which would be right before intermission, and would involve the Women of the Wash. During the climax the actors (of course, the women of the wash would be played by men) would rip off their human-form masks to reveal that they are actually the deformed henchmen of Satan. And like in the "Lion King," in the background of the laundry room there would be goose-stepping hyenas alluding to the Nazis.*

We'd also have to include walking into the Arab village on two occasions. For the sake of the audience, we could fictionalize it and say that the heroine came with an arrogant attitude and ended up getting schooled by some "native" Arabs. One of them would take her and her friends by the hand and start singing some kind of rip-off of "Colors of the Wind" a la Pocahontas, as he/she told of the Arab's rich natural heritage or whatever.

There'd probably have to be a moment where a rip off of "Part of Your World" from the Little Mermaid would have to be sung when the heroine realizes that the bottom half of her body is always going to be fish when all she wants is some fucking legs. which is probably the simplest way of describing how it feels to be an American in Israel. (On a more hopeful note, Arielle gets to be human in the end of The Little Mermaid, so maybe on Aliyah Take 2 I'll figure out how not to be half-fish.)

The part immediately before the moment where I hit my friend way back in May would be the song "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast.

In the end, the heroine would be carted off into the sunset, towards the US, by one of those moving walkways at Ben Gurion while eating some pudding for breakfast.
Or maybe the ending would be like: "Two years later..." and the person would be coming back. And it'd be a sort of optimistic Hmmmm I wonder what's going to happen ending.

I think my arrival on the kibbutz would have to be charactized by the song from South Pacific "There is Nothin' Like a Dame." Something about that song just reminds me of the perverted boys I had to live with, and the 'First Annual All-Russian Outdoor Farting Contest" that the Russian boys were always participating in.

I think my arrival back to the US would have to be characterized by a fucking enormous gospel choir.



P.S. Something I wrote is prolly gonna be in the next edition of the Jewish magazine the university does. Stay tuned. I think I'll post it here.