ANNOUNCEMENT: I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Oh man, I've reached the end of my tolerance for this depression.

I've realized that, holy fuck, two more years is a LONG time to have to be in a place. It's already too cold for me, too dark and grey and depressing. I'm already pissed off with classes and it's only the second week. I'm pissed because one (Hebrew) of the only two classes (in addition to Yiddish) that I'm taking for personal interest is really frustrating. I'm pissed because I just hate everyone here. Okay, maybe I don't hate everyone here. All I'm saying that that the people at this school are not "real" people. They're the weirdo in my history class who monologues about his "black" skin, they're the weirdo who constantly talks about how great she is, they're the weirdo who is refuses to apologize for anything in his life.

Do I have friends? Yes. And I adore them. This rant has nothing to do with them. As for everyone else.....All I'm saying is that I feel like my brain is on a different planet. I'm not in the least suggesting that I'm better or worse, inferior or superior, or more whatever or less whatever, than anyone else--all I'm suggesting is that I think my brain is wired in a different way. And occasionally the way my brain syncs with someone else's brain, but usually that lasts two seconds. And then it gets out of sync again and then I realize how fucking weird I am. I've had this problem my entire life, and I'm just fucking sick of it. I'd like to find ONE person in my life, just one fucking person, who I completely understand and who completely understands me.

Jesus, I'm 20 years old, I'm not supposed to be having these teen-angst rants.

Oh and fuck me, don't even get me STARTED on this fucking dorm room. And I'm also fatter than I normally am, so that's just making me feel fan-fucking-tastic right now.

And today during Shabbat services (I went to conservative like always, even though I was raised Reform), I was giving a dvar torah. And I'm a TERRIBLE public speaker. Mostly because I get nervous, but also because when I'm reading what I wrote....my brain is usually on a different planet. I'm usually thinking about something completely unrelated.
And today, in the middle of my dvar torah, in that packed library room....it suddenly dawned on me that I considered none of the people in the room my friend. I mean, the thought has crossed my mind before, certainly it has, but it's never crossed my mind when I was standing in front of ALL of them. In the middle of a fucking speech.

I mean, it's ridiculous when I think about it. I spend every fucking Friday, even many Saturdays, with those people, in services and at dinner. I've been coming to services since January 2007.
And yet none of them are my friends. Come to think of it, I only have two Jewish friends.

Who are my friends? Christians. My friends are almost all exclusively Christian. Do I hang out with Jews? All the fucking time. But who are my friends? The Christians. Fucking hell.

I've come to the conclusion that if I don't end up going back to Israel, I'll convert to Christianity. Not because I believe in that shit, but simply because I don't want to be part of some small exclusive and weird group.

I don't want to eat at "The Jew Table" in the university dining hall. But at the same time, I don't want to be the weird Jew who is quasi-religious but who hangs out exclusively with Christians and is the weirdo among them.

That was the cool thing about Israel. Most tables were "Jew Tables" but that's only because EVERYONE is friggin Jewish.
I guess my point is that, when it comes down to it, I want to be like everyone else. Which seems shallow and horrible, but fuck it. That's what I want. If I can't be different in the sense that I'm special or talented or whatever, then I'd like to just be like everyone else, because otherwise I'm just WEIRD.



Worst of all, I just feel really angry at G-d lately. Which sounds ridiculous, I know. But anyway, needless to say, being agry at G-d made being at services feel a little awkward.

Anyway, so all this was going through my head when I was doing my dvar torah. Which went horribly.

I came directly back to my dorm after services, and I knew I was on the verge of a total breakdown. So I thought about who to call. I realized that all of my friends at university are guys for the most part, and I assumed that as guys they wouldn't handle a tearful phone call very well. I then thought about calling my friends from high school who were girls, but then I thought about how ridiculously lame that would be....calling up people you only get to see on school breaks and crying hysterically. And then the thought of how embarrassing this all is made me break down and start crying. Fuck, I just feel like my shit. I want my mom, but she's in fucking India right now on business so I can't call her.

To top it off, I'd been listening to country music to cheer me up, but I've crossed the threshold from sad to depressed....so just hearing something familiar and happy has made me start crying even harder.

"I wanna check you for ticks!" --Brad Paisley
"Wwwaaaaaaaaaaaa, he wants to check me for ticks, that's so sad, waaaaaaa!!!!" --me